Turn The Page - Chapter Four

 This is the fourth installment in the TURN THE PAGE series, where I document my journey from desolation to success.

May 4th - May 14th: Chapter One
May 15th - June 30th: Chapter Two
July 1st - July 27th: Chapter Three
"I wanted to remind everyone about confidentiality when it comes to projects you are submitted, auditioning and in production or post-production for.  Most productions, major or minor, union or non-union, expect and appreciate confidentiality from all parties involved in projects from inception to submissions and all the way to post-production. 

Confidentiality and discretion will serve you very well in the business in and out of the audition studio.  Current, previous or upcoming projects should never be discussed in waiting rooms or amongst friends, at school or at work until the time it is released"
This is why you will not hear me talking about specific projects.

I will not be posting any information on social media regarding my acting career. I am free, however, to continue to post my written work, and self publish to my heart's content. No worries.....you'll know when something big happens!

The big move. It will be great to finally start going to auditions, and photoshoots. I'm excited to start doing what I'm meant to do! It will also be great to have a place to call my own, and set up a studio.
More to come!

July 29th
I moved.  I am no longer living in London, instead opting for the Golden Horseshoe in a small city called St. Catherine's. I don't know much about the city, yet.......Didn't do any writing yesterday. In fact, until just now, I haven't touched a keyboard. [Touch..] 

I brought all my stuff, leaving nothing behind. 

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with Mike and and his mom, Janet. I didn't do much unpacking at all, but rather, I went for a long walk to see a few sights, and I got to meet a few new faces.

This morning I set up my computer desk, and wired up the surround sound. I've been watching episodes of Game of Thrones, since I am no longer waiting to watch them in order with Diane and Greg. 

I get a lump in my throat when I think of the finality of leaving London. Onward and forward, right? Still, it felt the exact same way, as leaving Fort Frances. That means one thing; London had become home. 

Slowly, I've started putting together my office together. It feels weird to actually unpack. I can blame that on living out of a suitcase for two years. My landlord likes purple, which is great, and she's also given me permission to paint the walls of my office if I so choose, which is even better!

I'm going to eventually get my show "Inclusive" started. I have the space now.....guess we'll see.

July 30th
Wow! I'm really having a hard time of this. I am so depressed today, that I can barely concentrate on much. My mind wanders with a mixed range of thoughts; various fears of the unknown predominate my concentration.

I'm not living where I should be. It's going to cost me quite a lot of money to travel back and forth to work from where I live. My house may be quiet, and there is an opportunity to write, however, there is a great deal of uncertainty as to my ability to get to appointments on time.

I'm sure it's just me worrying about things, and it will all be fine.

I'm going to go try and write. Perhaps that will help clear my head, as it usually does. It seems like I keep changing my life every couple of months, and I'm growing weary of the constant change. I just keep feeling like so many things are being left behind, as I journey forward to find myself. Friends, family, keepsakes, toys, vehicles, and so much more, have now become a footnote or picture, in my memory.

July 31
I slept for 13 hours yesterday; took a "nap" and slid right into Thursday morning. Probably needed it. I've come to a few realizations, and I actually do feel somewhat better today.

I have been couch-surfing for two years.  I lost nearly everything in a hotel fire. I was made homeless three times, in a month and a half. I went from owning two companies, to owning less than two hundred pounds of personal belongings.

Those that know the real me, understand it's health related, and a storm of bad luck.

The Law of Attraction dictates, that we get what we think about the most. If you believe in yourself, you will succeed. Think poorly, and the same goes for your life. I guess, after being shit on for so many years, I was beginning to believe the lies. While I may have been working hard to stay afloat, I was slowly sinking; there is a paradox in this - By struggling to keep what I had, I was actually creating a pseudoreality, where I only strived to maintain the status quo. 

Let's analyze this by citing an example - I was coming from a few bad relationships. Without realizing it, I was defining my concept of what my next relationship was going to be like; I was cheated on a couple times, and fully expected it to happen again. I had plans to get married last year, but as of August, the proverbial shoe had dropped. It may be weird to think about such concepts, but the truth is, I got what I was expecting.

As of August, I haven't had sex in a year. It sounds like a bad thing, especially when you say it out loud. Wow! I don't think I can remember the last time I had such a dry spell. .......maybe it's NOT a bad thing. o.O It means, I haven't jumped into any relationships, or strange beds. It means, that while I may have no one to hold, I also have no one to answer to either. Don't get me wrong, I've tried a couple times......even have myself on a dating website. [shrugs] Swing and a miss...story of my life....

...Anyway, and in an attempt to direct the conversation back to the original topic of the Law of Attraction, I offer this insight - I don't want a relationship right now, because I'm too busy with trying to succeed at my dreams. It's a good thing that I'm this focused! It shows I've changed. I also have a new image of what I'm expecting in my next relationship. I don't want to settle for anything.

I will get through this change.

Tomorrow I head to Toronto for work. I'm scared of missing my bus or something. I still haven't raised enough funds to get exactly what I need for my acting career; the website, and comp cards leave me in the position of choosing one or the other and waiting to start. That part scares me the most...waiting. I know I can do this! I just need some help. I know I can't afford the colour comp card, and will have to settle with black and white. That part bothers me, as I'm already settling for second best, and my career hasn't even started.......

....Going to work on Perils of Power. The short story is starting to flesh out. I do have a decent office space to work now, so I better get cracking. Talk soon.

August 1st
I'm up without the use of an alarm clock. I have everything ready to go for today; shoes are shined, clothes are pressed, and my bags are packed. I just have to jump in the shower, and start bus hopping. I'm worried about getting on the wrong bus. I've memorized my schedule, and written it down just in case.

I'm heading to Toronto to go through the pictures from my photoshoot!! Yay! I'll be picking out 8 best from 200. 3 for the Max Agency website, and 5 for my comp cards. The pictures are mine, and I can't wait to see what I look like when a professional takes my photo.

I can't wait for this day to be over. I've worried so much about "what ifs" that I'm certain I've planned for nearly any contingency. I hope so, because I don't like to make mistakes.

I'll write about my experience when I get back. Talk soon.

9 pm
I'm home.

How odd. I stopped using my last name today. When it came time to spend money on my comp cards, I chose to have them printed, "Zzorhn". - No last name.There are other people in history that can get away with only one name. You can count me as one. o.O

My portfolio, comp cards, and  website at MAX AGENCY are done. Contract is signed.....classes are registered....


Let me take a minute to pat this bad animal on  the back....I met every challenge thrown at me with a smile. Final count?!??!?!

A) 8 Buses, 2 Trains, 2 Subways
2) 14 strangers receiving biz cards
D) OVER 200 pix by Zvonko

I'm tired, Going to unwind. Chat tomorrow.

August 2nd
Long weekend is here, and I am invited to a house party - I'll be bringing the tunes. This will be the first party I've attended since living at the Thompson residence. For those keeping track, that's well over a year!

I know when I got home last night at 7 pm, I didn't feel much like writing.

Pretty darn sure, that anyone on the "Golden Horse-Shoe" roads this weekend is cursing Sukhvinder Singh Rai, a 34-year-old Brampton man, who was driving a dump truck that crashed into the Burlington Skyway .I know it took two extra buses yesterday to accommodate my travel plans, and I can't imagine the tens of thousands of people that will have to go out of their way this holiday weekend to get around the blocked Skyway. The delay for me, added up to over two hours. 

I have to write about my experiences. It was indeed an adventure.

Firstly, I met many different kinds of people. I'm still in shock over the amount of people there actually is in my new home. The culture shock for me immense, and I'm excited to see so many differences. 

I met one guy on the bus, who had a ton of tattoos. He immediately began talking about the meaning behind each and every one; most notably, the large tribal tattoo on the left side of his face. "Most people think it's a Mike Tyson copy", he said. He went on to say how he would love to have it sprawl across his face and down his neck. Now don't get me wrong, as I also have tattoos, however, I couldn't imagine having something like that defining who I am, wherever I went. I talked some more, and without intending to, steered the conversation in that particular direction. Oddly, after about twenty minutes, he actually admitted that he wished he had no tats. I couldn't imagine making such a life-choice that I regretted, like a facial tattoo.

Anywho, so I lucked out by meeting this guy, as he was going directly to Union station like I was, so I just watched him, and just followed. I'll admit that for a brief moment,I felt lost and overwhelmed, as we traded buses four times to get to the train station, and then boarded a train, then the subway.......and reversed on the way back.

I LOVED the trains and subway!! The speed and efficiency far surpassed anything I've tried before! The amount of people that can comfortably travel vast distances on such public transit is phenomenal. Quite an enjoyable experience!!

I have to go cut grass, and get ready for tonight. A few friends are coming over for a party, and it's the first one in over year, so I'm really looking forward to that. Probably won't get much writing done today, if any.

Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable long weekend! Talk soon.

Tuesday, August 5th
See? You let me out of sight for a long weekend, and I don't come home till Tuesday. Oops. The good news, is I got a pretty decent tour of the Golden Horseshoe, zipping along in a sweet, soft-top convertible. - Cruising along the 6 laners with the top down, at a buck-twenty-five just to keep up to traffic.

I understand the layout of my new stomping grounds quite better.

There are appointments coming up in Toronto this month, and I'm not too worried about being able to get back and forth, as I was very encouraged by my success on Friday. This weekend was a great eye-opener for me, as well, as to the mass-transportation opportunities in the GTA.
Tons to do, so I'll chat later.. 

August 7th
My premonitions are real; I am not where I am supposed to be.

I have been doing more research into what I should be doing, and it turns out, I do live too far away to fully immerse myself into my acting career. It really sucks to say this, but, I have to move.

There are tons of opportunities for me, waiting right now, and I can't efficiently get back and forth everyday. This creates a problem for me. I should be tackling every role I possibly can; extras on the set can be a great way to gain experience!

I need to do this! I can't settle for second best in any matter!

I'm considering trying to make money any way I possibly can. Due to my health issues, which  are usually limited to mornings, and controlled by the use of medicinal marijuana, it seriously limits my opportunities. I'd go off on a tangent as to the facts surrounding all this, and the nuances involved, however, this is about me moving forward, not reflecting on the past. Let's just say, that the normal means of making money are not an option for me at this time. (there is hope, that with money and the proper medical facilities, I can be cured) Let me state right now, that I am able to fulfill the role of entertainer; it's one of the only things I do very well. My health issues do not define me, but they are a major part of my life.This is yet another reason to move to Toronto; to get the best medical treatment I possibly can, and perhaps get on with my life!!

I went fishing yesterday in Lake Ontario. Didn't catch anything, but, I'm pretty certain I was in the wrong spot. I would really like to go out on a real fishing trip one of these days, as I bought my license expecting to feed myself for free on the "oodles of fish" I was planning on catching this summer; turns out, I would have starved.

Today is fine-tuning my route to my workshop on Sunday, and the trip to London on Sunday night. I'm looking forward to seeing the Lawrence family again. I will be there for a couple days to settle the lawsuit I filed with the Landlord and Tenant board about the loss of money when I lived in London. Pretty certain not much is going to come of the proceedings, but, I've come this far, right?

I've been staying true to my promise to write as much as I can. I haven't played Warcraft in two months now, and instead find myself researching articles, and reading more than I have in a long time. I suppose it's a good thing, but, I really miss my WoW buddies!!

Yes, I did that on purpose. :) Turns out you can do a lot of things when you put your mind to it! I have been a very busy boy today, and am here to crow about my success!!

A) I have completed the 5 stages of Denial to Acceptance in regards to living IN Toronto

- Denial or The "No, not me" stage.
- Anger / Resentment or The "Why me?" stage
- Bargaining or The "But, what if I do this?" stage
- Depression or The "It really has to happen" stage
- Acceptance or The "I need a roommate" stage

2) I found a Doctor. In Toronto. Yay! Appointment booked too. This one took several cities and many attempts! Gawd, it is so hard to find a family Doctor in Ontario!!

D) I booked myself for another airshow!! Can I get a Woot Woot!!?! August 23rd. Can't wait!

I am looking for somewhere to rent.

If you know of anyone looking for a roommate, I am in fairly drastic need. I'm even starting to think that short term arrangements would be fine, until I could find something decent. It's just going to be too difficult for me to get ahead if I'm not living where the action is; commuting any great distance, becomes too hard, and too costly. I'm quiet (love to write) for the most part, and I help out with household chores. Any help is appreciated.

August 10th

I'm aboard the GoTrain. It's Sunday morning, and I'm off to my next workshop. I realize that a few days have passed since I made any sort of entry; there's a reason for that.....

.....it's a long story, but, the easiest way to sum it up, would be to simply claim “unnecessary drama”. Actually, that's putting it mildly, as the word “drama” doesn't begin to start describing the ridiculousness I was forced to suffer! The term “gong show” comes to mind, but, even that doesn't quite reach the level of stupidity I just went through.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning.

I moved to St. Catherine’s for several reasons; the most important, was to set up roots. I was promised many, many, things, that prompted me to move – a guaranteed ride to appointments / bus station, an office in which to work, a side-job where I could make money while I'm not acting, and an opportunity to hang out with Mike. None of these criteria were met; not even a little. Instead, I was subject to constant interruption, Mike was never around, I had NO ride whatsoever, and the side-job didn't exist. The promises made to me, were a fabrication.

There were other issues. Please understand, that I really don't wish to list the details, which in turn condescends my landlord, so let's suffice it to say that the house needs an intervention. I will admit, however, that the biggest reason there was any real problems, were due to jealousy on the part of my female landlord.

It started out innocently; I flirt by nature. I call it harmless, but, I can see how someone might misconstrue such playfulness as serious intent. I realized this, when I climbed into bed one night, only to find my landlord in my bed. To my credit, I made no advances, and began to find excuses to avoid being alone with her. I went to visit with a long-time friend Tracey, and I could feel the difference when I came back. Things became strained, and I knew the appointment in Toronto was coming up, so I started to make other plans.

I went out for the night, and got a text message that all my stuff was packed!!!! "Your [sic] not welcome here anymore. Come before noon or your shit will be on the front lawn”

Saturday morning was pure hell. Not only has Janet broken several landlord laws, but, when I arrived to get my belongings (which were hastily thrown into boxes) she started screaming at me. Next thing I know, she's throwing my computer monitor on the front lawn! It was when she poured three boxes of “Mini Wheats” into a flimsy transparent garbage bag, and threw it at me, that I finally screamed back. To my credit, I stayed relatively calm. even when cereal exploded all over me and my stuff, I just screamed at my ride to call the cops.

So......after dealing with the Police who responded, and answering silly questions about “a box full of knives and weapons”, and other bullshit that Janet had made up, we pulled away from St Catherine’s.

I was warned.

A few of my buddies warned me about moving to St Kits. I wish I had listened to them, but, you must realize there are no mistakes. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Truth is, I actually found another place to live, and even though it has no office space, it is a much better place for me. I'm not falling into the trap of “setting up shop”, anymore, and instead, will just live out of a suitcase for the time. I've gone through what's left of my belongings, and I'm putting some back in storage. I know someday, I'll find a place to call home, but for now, I am content to just chase my goals.

So here I sit, typing on the train. I predict a nice leisurely train ride with time to spare to find my workshop. After that, I know that it's going to be a mad-dash to the bus station in time to catch my bus to London, where I'll be spending a couple days with the Lawrence family I'm really looking forward to that!

Union station is coming up soon, so I have to go. Talk soon!

August 11th
I'm in London. It was so great to arrive on the bus last night! - The feeling is the same as coming home. I was excited to see Diane, Greg and the kidlings again. (one child is at camp this week)

Just a reminder of why I'm here...... on Tuesday I have to attend the Landlord and Tenant board for a hearing to get my deposit back from Carol. Tuesday evening I will be heading back to the GTA.

I'll be back. Diane and her son are taking me out for a few hours. Not sure where I'm going, but, I'm told I can pilot a space shuttle, go star gazing, check out the Arctic, and dig for dinosaur bones.........not sure what that means but it sounds fun! Talk soon!

4 pm
Turns out we went to the Children's Museum in London! What a great place!! There is so much to see and do; a veritable hands-on interactive display that educates, while entertains.

I .Had. A. Blast!

Who says it's only for kids.......I climbed the treehouse, and slid down the twisty slide. I helped excavate dinosaur bones in the bat riddled caves of Alberta. We raced up and down the streets of London, in mock race cars. We explored the Arctic, built an Inuksuk, and pretended we were on a sled dog team. We climbed aboard the lunar module, and landed on the moon; even taking a lunar vehicle for a ride. The visit was capped off, by a stunning star show in the planetarium.

As soon as we got back, I started making homemade pizza. It seems to be a favourite of the family – Almost a tradition that when “Crazy Uncle Zzorhn” comes to visit, I make pizza from scratch.

Not sure what the evening entails, however, I'm quite enjoying myself. Talk soon!!

August 12th
Good morning! I'm up, bright and early, to head to "Landlord Court" to deal with Carol. I realize that I have made two bad choices now in terms of living conditions; Carol, and now Mike & Janet. It's pretty safe to say, that I have lost my right to pick where I live, and when the time comes, it will be those select few that are helping me find a permanent place to live, who get to choose my final destination. Let's face it, my two choices really sucked donkey balls!! So today comprises of dealing with the financial matters  that occurred in June, then a ride to the GTA.

Lots to do, so I'll have to check in later. Wish me luck!!

5:30 pm
What a crock.....Did you know that if the landlord lives in the building,and shares the kitchen and such, you do not qualify for the landlord and tenant laws!?! You basically have zero rights! [sighs heavily] Once again, someone has cheated me, and managed to get away with it....

......not only did I lose my deposit, but any of the cash I spent filing my paperwork, parking, travel costs, etc, add nausea.....Ugh!! Alright........ Time to chuck it in the fuck it bucket, and move on. I have lost too much to dwell on this 

I'm back in the GTA. Still couch surfing, but, things are pretty decent. If anyone knows of wheresoever I could find a place to finally call home, please let me know.......

..I'll talk later.

August 13th
Woke up to a quiet, melancholy day. The sun doesn't want to peek through the little hazy of clouds that seem to be hanging just over the house. What a weird day! The kind where the weather can set the tone.

Not for me! I've got tonnes of things to do today; most notably, write, and work on a monologue. (I can find one, or write one tailored to me)

Diane picked up my big computer yesterday, as well as my stereo. Since I have no monitor, I'll have to content myself to using the laptop. [sigh] I know Janet stole from me, as I can't find a few items, but what's the point in getting upset? Things can be replaced, right? It was fortunate for me, that I kept my composure during the shit-storm of drama I was forced to endure; otherwise I would be sitting in a Southern Ontario jail right now!! So, in the days to follow, when you hear of some rumour or speculation as to what occurred last Saturday, just keep in mind, there were Police present. Had I done anything remotely illegal, I would not be here right now.......

.....which makes me feel pretty good! So even with the loss of a couple hundred dollars of personal items, and the destruction of a few others, I feel good. Perhaps it's the pride that comes from knowing that I the kind of man I claim to be. It would be nice, however, if the drama could stop; at least for a little while.

At least I have Tracey!! No romantic interests, as we are just good freinds from Fort. I was even her Judo sensei for a short while, so it's fair to claim that Tracey and I go way back. Feel good to have rekindled our freindship after so many years! I'm blessed to have met her, through Mike. I am now only about half an hour away on GoTrain to get to Toronto, so it's a little closer. (not close enough yet, but, we're getting there)

I'd like top take a minute and say a few words about the recent passing of Robin Williams. While you can't turn on any media source without hearing about the death of the iconic entertainer, I feel betrayed. This was a man who I idolized! On the scale of one to how-much-I-identify with the antics and musings of Robin, I am a clear 11 out of 10!! I am an enterprising entertainer who has struggled with depression, dabbled in recreational drugs, and watched as friends lives were destroyed by drugs and alcohol. I too laugh away the pain by making jokes, and constantly find myself alone; even in a crowd.  For all the wit and charm I possess, and all the honours I have received, I still crave more; which in turn leads me to wonder, am I just like Robin? How could a man who presumably has everything, anyone could ever want, still find depression in a life of success? Am I doomed to such a hollow existence, if a man like Robin couldn't find happiness?  No! For while I find commonality in the life-style and antics of the beloved man, I am not him! For as much as I see myself struggling to become even a sliver of how great Robin was, I will never be him; I'm me. There is no one on Earth like me!  I can never be the man Robin Williams was, and that's a good thing, because Robin has made me angry! His example has taught me the importance of getting help when you need it, but most importantly, he taught me one important final lesson...........it's not merely the way you live that matters. It's what you leave behind that really makes the difference.

Off to write......

August 14th
Bit of a slow start today, but I stayed up late last night working on a few projects. I'm fairly happy with the way my monologue is turning out, and I know it's going to be different than anything Hollywood North has seen. I'm also fairly excited to be heading back to acting classes! Besides validating my life choices, it's an opportunity for me to fine-tune some of my dormant theatrical experience!

I do have an amusing revelation about last weekend; 8 gorgeous models stuck in a small room, waiting for their first time at acting / improvisation............it's true what they say about stress sweat. Weird how I've never really noticed that before.

There's a few things to do today; workout, write, and I think a trip to the store is in order...... Talk soon. 

August 15th
Happy Friday!!  This weekend marks the opening of the CNE in Toronto, and the Emo Fall Fair. I hope everyone has a safe, and wonderful time at the fair!! 

I hope to be able to attend my first fair in Toronto. Have to see what my schedule looks like.

More workshops planned for this weekend. I have completed what I believe could very well be the monologue of all time - curtailed to me, and using Shakespeare quotations, I have written a short 2-3 minute piece that showcases my talent. Over the next few weeks, I will be taking instructions from my acting coach, to fine tune my audition skills.

Other than that, not much to report. Things are pretty quiet, which is a good thing for authors. Maybe after my workout, I'll get some more done on my short story.

Didn't get much done at all. Did some laundry, went for a bit of a workout, tried to suntan a bit, and even tried to write; with the exception of laundry, I didn't finish anything. - The dog wanted to come skating, which resulted in a very short session, the sun refused to cooperate, and I simply cannot put pen to paper.

I've had a hard day.

Too many thoughts pervade my mind. Trying to focus is difficult. Between serious cramping, and a plethora of upcoming important meetings, I eventually resorted to simply watching National Geographic videos about "Shark Week". I can't shake this fog that eats at my soul. - Images and thoughts of loved ones I may never see again, and times of sorrow and regret, have manifested in the form of a lump in my throat that will not go away.

I'll get through this.

 It's in the quiet, where we face our true self. When the distractions are gone, the only person you are left to contend with, is you. I'll admit, there are aspects of my life I haven't fully dealt with, and days like this are when such painful memories are stirred up. I just have to remind myself that what I'm doing is right, and to bravely march forward; things will get better.

I would like to take two minutes and address a serious issue - Propaganda. I am absolutely blown away by the sheer ridiculousness I am witnessing on media sources!! How can people be so stupid?!?! There are real evils on this planet, and it seems like everyone is content to stand by as our peace is being shattered and raped! From terrorism, militarization of Police, and the rampant abuse of government, I am very concerned for humanity! I have no idea how to even properly express how frustrated I am! I keep seeing people who I have respect for, mindlessly chiming in with support for the very evils that are spreading faster than Ebola across the globe, and it literally makes me sick! It just seems like no one cares anymore.......

.......I'll just sign off and go to bed. Perhaps I'll find comfort in my dreams.

August 16th
Nope, no comfort there. - I feel like a fish out of water, and it's effecting everything I do. I know that I am still not where I need to be, and it's reflected in my dreams.

Vague images, and although I can still lucid dream, the blowback from my efforts to "right the wrongs" ends up causing me more harm, than help. I suppose it has to do with the amount of research I've been doing lately, on a few of the serious issues plaguing our planet; disease, over-population, genocide, and war.

Why do I care? Truth is, why do more people NOT care?!?! The world is literally going to hell in a bread basket, and it seems like everyone is just content to stand around watching! My mind is staggering from the sheer idiocy I see happening, and most people can't lift their head up from a cell phone to notice!

Does anyone else see the hypocrisy, or is it just me?

While North American citizens preach about freedom, their personal rights and liberties are being stripped away. Like stealing candy from a baby, our enemies use our own laws, to secure a foothold in our society.  [sighs]

Lots to do today. Talk soon.

August 17th
Shoes are shined, and my new carry-on bag is packed! Heading downtown Toronto for another workshop. I am so excited to once again be doing work in theater! It feels so gratifying to be doing what I was born to do - entertain.

I'm still not living where I need to be. Heading downtown shouldn't be a task based on train schedules and whatnot, it should be as simple as hopping on a subway and getting off at the right station! 

A bit of breakfast, and I'm on my way. Should be a great day, as I have no where to go except my class, and I can take my time compared to previous trips, and actually enjoy the Go Trains. Public transit is definitely the way to travel!

Hope everyone has a great day!!

12:30 pm
Well, I'm sitting in front of the drama studio, on a little park bench, on the side of the four lane highway. Today's commute was a little frustrating [for lack of a better word], as the subway or TTC is undergoing maintenance today. Something about installing a second line or something.....I'll have to check. Anyway, I had to stumble around and find the next closest subway station to board.

Even I can notice a difference in myself; I'm no longer shocked at crowds, traffic, subways, trains, or the idea that you actually have to travel a great deal to do anything. - Even living in Toronto requires a great deal of travel back and forth from appointments, interviews, auditions, etc. It became very apparent this morning, when I didn't need to look at my notes from last week, to fumble my way through the train station, or look at a map to get to my appointment, that I am much more comfortable with the public transportation system. It certainly makes things easier! But, it also means I'm very early, even though I left later this morning, and I had some difficulty finding the right station.

So, here I sit on a busy Sunday afternoon, on the side of the street in Toronto, people watching. All around me, there are people, of every shape, size and colour.. Most speak English, some speak French, and a tiny few speak in other languages. The one thing that everyone has in common, however, is a lack of fear. Everyone is just happily going about their lives, without threat, or fear; free to walk down the sidewalk without persecution, or attack. When I sit here and watch my fellow Canadians living out our lives, it makes it hard to think about those that are being persecuted over seas. It makes me feel good to live in such a great country, where we ARE free to walk around without fear, but, I still worry about my brothers and sisters who are at this very moment being persecuted, sold into slavery, raped and tortured, for colour, race, language, ethnic origin, sex, and even Religion. My other concern is that by Political Correctness run amok, our own laws will be turned on us, and this peace that hold so dear, will vanish like smoke in the wind.

Don't think it will happen? It's already happening to other countries, all over the world, including Britain, and United States; two of our allies, they should be quite removed from terrorism, however, both countries have suffered serious terrorist events in the past two decades. Canada will not remain immune to this very real threat!

Whoa! Weird.....some white car pulled up in front of me, and I thought to heck that it shut off its engine. It went absolutely silent sitting in traffic, and I thought perhaps the vehicle was parking or something, then I realized this four-lane highway doesn't allow that. Turns out, it's a hybrid, and can run on just the battery. Very Shiny! :)
There's my "squirrel" moment for the day. Anyway,  I'm supposed to go check out apartments when I come into Toronto with Diane, after working the airshow in Tillsonburg. I can't wait! It'll be great to see everyone again!

Well, I should go in soon. I'll talk to you very shortly.

August 18th
I awoke to sunlight pouring into my room. After a short coffee break to jump-start the engine, I started cleaning. Dishes lead to vacuuming, and the next thing I realized, I was mopping the floor. The house looks GREAT! it's amazing how good you feel when the house looks good.

After a bit to eat, I headed outside to do some tanning and work out.Sticking to my diet is really helping manage things, but today I felt like a million bucks! I lost track of time, and dozed off for a bit of lucid sleep.

I have to admit, it feels really good to do my acting workshops! It recharges the batteries, and validates my life choices. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get some professional advice, before I am called for any major auditions! It saves me the embarrassment and frustration of losing something I know I could do really well, merely due to the fact that I have never done this before! Now I can say with confidence, that I can slate with the best of them.........

........next comes the monologues and dry reads. Anyway, I will say this, it HAS been an adventure! I'm meeting new people, and doing things I've never done before, and it feels GREAT!

Plans may change for this week. In order to ensure I am in London for the airshow this weekend, I might be getting  picked up by Greg and Diane, on their way out of Toronto.Which means I get to spend a week with my London and Tillsonburg buddies, as well as, the Lawrence family. Guess we'll see what happens.

Well, I am off to write for a bit. Things are slowly coming together in the newest book, as I have about 5 things on t4eh go at the moment. Talk soon.

August 20th
I'm in London. Things were so hectic yesterday, that I had no time to write at all! One thing about living in the GTA, is that you CAN get anywhere you need to, however, it still takes time. I'm sure I could have found time to write, sitting int he backseat of the van or something, but I watched a couple episodes of "Band of Brothers" instead. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

So, it's Wednesday morning, and I'm at the Lawrence household. It's great to see the kidlets again! Greg's on vacation this week, so it means the two of us will get a chance to hang out a bit. I know that Diane is eager to start season four of Game of Thrones, so we'll probably do that this evening.Feels good to see my freinds again!

I've got a few things to do in London today. Unfortunately, the forecast is for rain, so that limits some of the activities we get to do. Let's just keep our fingers crossed, that the prediction for rain this Saturday, evaporates, and we get a goof day for the airshow!!! So much time and effort  is spent to get ready for these kinds of events, and it would really suck the big one, to have it rained out!! Guess I'm not helping Greg by cutting the lawn today. [I miss mowing the lawn]

 I'm supposed to get together with a few other London buddies this week. Will be great to see them!

Lots to do, so I'll talk later.

August 21st

What a great evening! I had the honour last night, to attend "Railroad Club" better known as "The London N'Gineers Model Railroad Club", with Greg. I have to say, I had fun, and got to visit a Canadian historical site from the 1870's, as well as learned a few new things, and met a group of great guys! The club recently moved into the St. Thomas Train Station, or Canada Southern Railway Station, Their primary focus is the N-scale (1:160 scale), and they use both box sets, and hand-crafted buildings. The detail spent to create these realistic works of art is impressive; with realistic grass, trees, roads, and even working lights! This on top of a massive, mobile, intricately detailed three-tier track system. Several large projects were also on display, and being worked on.

Turns out I played model trains wrong when I was younger.........

........I put more attention into setting up intricate layouts and complex wiring, than do landscaping and buildings, people, other vehicles, etc....which to me are pretty cool. You can literally build anything you want, paint it, and then change it as you desire; gives you something to do, rather than just watching your little train set run around the table, over and over again.

.....and TWO! Rather than set up some smooth operation whereas the train safely chugs along, I would deliberately set up the "Perfect Disaster" - two trains head-on, or a vehicle stalled on the train crossing, or my personal favourite, the derailment disaster, when the track has been maliciously destroyed by some evil mad-man [evil laugh] "Oh, NO!!!!".......Sorry, got lost on a tangent there.

Anyway, a BIG tank you to  Greg for sharing that with me! I had a really great time!! 

Today is another busy day! I didn't sleep well last night, but I'm still in a great mood. I got to visit with one of my London buddies, Eric AKA Buddha. It was great to see him, and actually just sit and chill out for a bit. After lunch, I have a bit of running around to do, then Greg and Diane are taking me out to a BBQ in the park with the kids. During this time, I am working on my monologue for acting classes, and Diane is trying hard to set up appointments for Sunday to see potential new homes for me in Toronto. After supper, Diane and I have to go to a security meeting for the upcoming airshow, which will hopefully be followed by Game of Thrones episode 1 of season 4. [we didn't get a chance to watch it yesterday]

Hope everyone has a safe, and happy day. I'm off to write until lunch.

August 22nd

Happy Friday everyone!! I'm in a great mood today! Woke up to zero pain, and the chance to cook everyone breakfast; bacon and eggs, prepared the way each little person likes them best.

Not much to do today. This will give me a chance to work on some writing, and read over my monologue a bit more - I managed to get all my homework done for acting class yesterday, so now it's memorization time.

Oh! I went to the thrift shop yesterday with Diane, and we found the PERFECT sports jacket! Italian black silk, -  It suits me to a tee, and it's the softest suit jacket material I have ever felt! We dropped it off at the cleaners, and get to pick it up later this afternoon. I'm really starting to like shopping at the thrift shops in Southern Ontario! They seem to have everything you need, for cheap! Not to say we didn't have such second hand stores where I came from, but, they don't have the selection the larger facilities can boast. [Most of the thrift stores Back in NWO are filled with items from the '70s and '80s]

We watched two episodes of GoT last night. Jofferey dies!! WOOT! 'Bout time that monster got what he deserved! I can't wait to land a role in a show like this - swords, armor, etc...... a reoccurring role, please and thank you, and I fight with two weapons - twin swords, or a dagger / long sword combo. 

Well, I should get my butt in gear and get some work done, with all this free time I'm bragging about. Talk soon.

August 23rd
 Morning. It's so early, even the sun hasn't got out of bed yet. It's time to get ready for another air show - Tillsonburg airport will be a place of bustling activity, and a chance to see all my new friends again. Should be a great day!!

  Speaking of great days, yesterday was awesome! I played with the kidlets in the backyard, memorized some lines, cooked cupcakes with home-made icing, and made home-made pizza with the kids [who BTW are starting to get very comfortable in the kitchen], and to top off the evening, Diane and I went to go see "The Guardians of the Galaxy" in 3-D!!!

I've never seen anything in 3-D before. That. Was. Amazing!!

Not much time to do anything today, as we have to head out to the airfield very soon. Hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend! Talk to you soon!

9 pm

I'm tired! What a wonderful day! We had a huge crowd for the Ontario South Coast Airshow!! The weather was a bit spotty and  I was worried it might rain in the morning; turned out to be a really great day!! 

There was bouncy castles for the kids, food vendors, beer gardens, and even an ice cream truck! There was also both JAM and CHAA stores, a static display, helicopter rides, Harvard rides, and the active display on the hot ramp and in the air! 

The biggest congratulations goes out to all the volunteers! Not just for today, but the hundreds of hours it takes to create these kind of events, but, also to the mechanics, and ground crew that dedicate themselves to their passion of keeping these historic planes flying! Lastly, the pilots, who perform the stunts, and then sign autographs and answer questions from the crowd. It takes everyone to put on such a fantastic show!

My personal favourites today, were the prop planes, that did the aerobatics! The skill required to perform the antics I seen today, takes years of dedication and training! Congratulations to the pilots that today such a success!!

Relatively few incidents today, which is a good thing, but, you can be sure, there is always someone who has to push things; the guy hiding in the corn field to take pictures that temporarily stopped the show until security could remove him, the guy who ignored security when instructed to take his dog off the event grounds [seriously, who the hell shows up at an airfield for a 5 hour show with a dog?!?!] In short, you are always going to have some stupid people no matter what you do, but it's how it ends that counts - The show went on without a hitch and our security crew did well! 

I'm so happy to be able to help with these kind of events! It means quite a bit to me, to help in any way I can, that helps preserve the history, and promotes Canadian aviation for the future.

I'm off to bed early. Back to Toronto tomorrow........

August 24
Sunday morning. Time to head back to Toronto.

Didn't sleep well; I was too cold last night. Everyone's still sleeping upstairs, so I'm trying to be quiet too. Soon, I'll be packing my suitcase and heading back to the big city.

Drama class again today. Should be fairly laid back, as I did my monologue work last week, and this week it's the other half of the class. Still, it's a great experience for me, and I'm learning quite a bit on how to make it in auditions.

I'll write more once my core body temperature gets back to normal, the cramps stop, and I can actually think........... Hope everyone has a good day.

10 pm
Why do people need to walk so slow? I commuted from Finch Station to Union Station, got on my GoTrain, and found my way home, but the entire trip could have been done is half the time, if people realized that moving quicker as a group, would get us all home quicker.......

......no worries, the subway and train haven't lost their magic. I was merely hard pressed to make my train on time, because halfway to Union subway station, we had to all disembark and board shuttle buses; I'd say packed in tighter than a bus-load in Bangladesh, but I think they have rules against overcrowding that badly!

Drama class was good. I enjoyed the last half of the class immensely. Once again it reaffirms for me, my choice to follow my dreams!

I'm tired. Didn't get much writing done in the last few days, but I expect that will change tomorrow. Catch you on the flip-side.

August 25th

Where does the time go? Must be having fun, as the saying goes, as it's almost September already, and I feel like I just rolled into Southern Ontario a couple days ago.

So much has happened this summer!! The most notable thing that has changed, is me. From the way I dress, to my understanding of the geography, there are major differences between the man that left Fort Frances, and the one I saw in the mirror this morning.

 It's a beautiful sunny day, and I am going to go for a skate this afternoon.

There's an interesting development for me; I am told by my agent to watch what I say on social media, but moreover, to always maintain the ideals of a professional in all that I do. Interestingly, I've been doing this for a few years now; trying to ride the fine line of being informative, yet taking care to not offend anyone. It's not easy! I've debated online, and I write about world events, and every-time I do, I'm certain someone, somewhere, is offended by what I have to say. My goal is to keep writing about the world we live in.........guess I better go get my butt in gear.

August 26
Turns out there is some sort of long weekend coming up. Which means that my acting class was pushed back a week. Just more of an opportunity to work on my monologue; I'm taking this very seriously - not only will I be presenting myself as my utmost best, I can use the memorized monologue for future auditions. Not really a new aspect of my personality to take things serious; I either do things really well, or I don't do it at all......

.......some sort of heat advisory today. I am stoked!!! A chance to get out and enjoy the sun and warmth, and maybe work on my tan line. I managed to get some writing done yesterday, and I have to say that, my new short story is really taking shape! It's not an easy writing process, focusing on first person narrative, rather than simply writing a story. Well, off to work. Hope everyone has a great day!!

August 27

So I found myself cruising the advertisements on craiglist this morning. It started out innocently, as I was merely looking for a place to live. Then I noticed they have personal adds on the site. Sooooooo.....curiosity got the better of me. I perused article after article, and I am simply amazed! Men looking for women, women looking for me, and everyone is so specific on details too. The ones I like the most are the "Missed encounters" - Where they detail the events of the chance meeting, and are trying to find the person they missed the opportunity with. EG: "I saw you on the subway, but I was too shy to say hello". The mixed part of that, is how would anyone know to check craigslist to see if anyone happened to place an "I missed you" advertisement? Just seems very different to a guy like me, who didn't realize this kind of thing existed.

Wednesday morning, and I'm gearing up for a decent day. My roommate Tracey, introduced me to a rowing machine she used to gather dust, so I did quite the workout last night, and I feel 100% better today! The weather looks great, and I think I'll get another chance to workout, write and tan.

I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my Doctor appointment in Thornhill tomorrow, but, I'm sure something will work out.......It always does.

Hope everyone is having a great humpday! Maybe I'll answer one of these craiglists adds and go get some action. After all, it has now been over a year since I was intimate with a woman........

August 28
I feel sorry for that rowing machine. Tracey tells me that's the biggest workout that poor thing has had in a while. I sure can feel the burn again this morning, as I put an hour-and-a-half on the thing last night. That was after running on the steepest incline I could find for over an hour earlier in the day! With a conscience mind of what I eat and drink, my digestive issues are somewhat improved, but I know that it will be a life-time of dealing with daily pain, and having to plan ahead. Not going to hold me down, if I can help it!

Didn't get any writing done yesterday. I was too busy working out, and helping my roommate. Sometimes a break does the soul good.

A quick breakfast, and I'm off to a Doctor appointment, Lots to do today, so this will be short. No real plans for the long weekend coming up. Guess we'll see what shenanigans I can achieve!! Hope everyone has a safe and happy long weekend.

10 pm
Back from the Doctor. I think things are going to work out well with my choice in medical facility. Very professional crew.

I'm still in awe every time I see one of the Great Lakes! Wow, those things are big! No end in sight as you stare across the harbour. Take a ride over the Burlington bridge, and just gaze over Lake Ontario. It's so different for a guy like me, who is used to seeing the other side of the lake, or at least an island, or ten.

I ran past 40 Creek yesterday. Forgot to tell you that. That's the river that supplied the famous Canadian rye company. Doesn't look like much anymore.

Baked chicken and potatoes for supper, followed by a nice workout. I can barely walk right now, from pushing myself so hard......didn't do any writing again today. Good night.

August 29th
I'm awake at 4 am! I woke to a bad dream, and can't get back to sleep. My muscles ache all over, from the workouts I've been pushing myself through. - The odd part is I'm GAINING weight, not losing that teeny paunch on my stomach; my goal is to get my rock-hard, six-pack back. Just keep pushing I guess.

There is an interesting development - my old buddies don't want to see me succeed. I'm sure they do, but it was extremely noticeable, when I posted a picture of me getting out of a vehicle on social media. The car isn't mine, and I was posing for the sake of posing. Regardless, I was immediately credited with "Nice pic", or comments about my new suit and comparing me to "MIB" [Men In Black]. THEN one of my buddies from back in North-Western Ontario writes, "You don't have a driver's license...lol". Immediately, the comment was "liked" by three other buddies who made no other remark, except to "like" the negative comment.. Now, you could easily claim he was speaking truth. Yes, I don't have a driver's license at this time; taken from me, when I initially took sick, and I haven't fought to get it back. However, rather than point out the fact that I look good in a suit, or that I am in a better place, I am labelled with negativity to remind me of the past and the failures from a point in time, where I lost everything. Thanks guys!! Why not give me a good paper cut, and pour some lemon juice in it? Probably feel about the same level of scathing hurt. I'd rather those kind of people would say nothing, and keep their negativity to themselves, rather than splash it over social media, to remind others of the bullshit I've been through! Fact is, there are going to be some people, that would rather have me fail, and I'm ok with that; keep watching, because I'm going to sorely disappoint those wanting me to fail, or remain struggling with life!

Good morning, it's Friday. The sun is finally starting to show itself, and I've been awake now for 3 hours. I'm thinking I might go for a walk or something, just to get my body moving, and maybe strectch out these stiff muscles.

I also have to find something to do for the afternoon and evening, as my roommates boyfreind is coming over, and I wish to give them the necessary space and time to enjoy each other. Not sure where I'll end up today, but I guess we'll see!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend!

5 pm
So much for me staying under the radar [I'm having a hard time with this] My Facebook status reads, "I've done enough research, to realize the ALS "ice water challenge" is NOT going to appropriate channels. Some money will, but several watchdog organizations admit that MILLIONS will end up in the pocketbooks of executives. Even the organization itself admits that the "windfall" of the faze, was unexpected, and they have no recourse for appropriate spending, and cannot "save the extra for a rainy day". Truth is, ALS organization didn't start the fad, and has no obligation to earmark the money for any "specific mission". Check it out for yourself. If I'm wrong, let me know..............."

Initially I was attacked, until I pointed out, "Fact is, there is no precedent by the organization to properly account for the windfall ALS has been blessed with. While some claim 27%+ goes to executives, those granting 4 stars claim the executive salaries at minimum 8%
$10 million divided by 10% (safe estimate) = 1 Million dollars.
$10 million divided by 30% (top estimate) = 3 million dollars
So, if the cap on the donations stay at 10 mill.......then by account, easily over a million dollars goes to the Executives and CEO of the charity, based on past spending. Fact is, ALS has admitted they have no addenda for the extra $7+ million they made this year alone.......
...either way, a lot of charity money, is ending up in the pockets of rich folks, and not helping those it was earmarked for."

Forgive me, I too have daily pain that I deal with as best I can. I've lost everything, and am slowly regaining back not only what I've lost, but my dignity as well. I'm working hard, to achieve my goals, and I refuse to roll over, and merely accept what's been handed me! I will persevere! Survival isn't a choice, but success is! 

Not much happening as to an "exciting weekend" getaway or anything; I've contented myself to sitting in the sun and working on my ever-growing story of the dangers of unlimited power; see "Perils of Power". Truth is, I'm not happy with the fact that I have to destroy the main character! I'm having a hard time writing this based on the fact that I identify with the main character too much,and as such, find it difficult to fault someone that could easily be me, given the chance! It's taking much longer than I anticipated to write this piece......maybe because I care so much about the perfection of the tale................

August 30
Quiet day expected. Hopefully I get more writing done!

I'll tell you something, it's not easy starting over when you've lost everything! Not only that, but the people who have driven you into the ground, are waiting for any measure of success to drive you right back in again..... For example, when I initially took sick, and lost my job, it was my ex-wife who demanded that my driver's license be taken away. Now she waits, for any measure of success, so she can clamour back on the hate-train to try and drive me under again. This scares me, as I know how bitter and vindictive that woman can be. She has done everything in her power to destroy me, and will happily do so again given the chance! It's this kind of negativity that has prevented any growth for me in the last few years, and it's this kind of poison that could cripple any future success! I really wish she would just go away and leave me the hell alone, but, that's just not in her personality!

It's going to be a long climb back up the hill. It's going to be even harder, with people spreading lies, and rumours, like the one that recently ended up in my email! There are family members back home that are hoping I fail, but in the odd chance I actually do become successful, are more than willing to thrust their hands in my pockets and take what they so selfishly feel entitled to. In this way, no matter what happens, those bitter individuals are desperately going out of their way to see me fail. I really wish they would just fuck off and get on with their own life............I guess it's just not in their personality to do so. What a shame that there are such horrible people like that!

Well, I should get my butt in gear. Just wish my ex, would fall off the planet! Talk soon.

August 31
Last day of August in 2014! Time keeps merrily skipping along!

I went out last night to go watch a friend perform at a club in Hamilton . I'm extremely impressed! I've never seen freestyle rap before, but I like it. Had fun dancing, and met a few more new friends.

I'm sitting here watching the news; Canada is banning the sale of Citronella?!?! Claims that it is untested are prompting the idiocracy. So, that means that rather than use natural products to keep away insects, Canadians will now have to use chemical-based products. Don't get me wrong, I love DEET when it comes to using bug spray, but I can't see any intelligence in this move to ban the sale of this product! I just shake my head at the sheer stupidity of this move. I get it though......those in charge have stock in pharmaceutical and chemical production....they push for testing on products because theirs is caustic and dangerous, so naturally they follow the strict guidelines......those who produce Citronella cannot afford the bullshit testing, so they are forced to admit defeat to the large government supported companies.........Drives me bat shit crazy when I see these kind of tactics used. 

Well, I should get something done today.....Talk soon

Last day of August. I've decided to start another chapter, as I know that September is going to be very busy, and deserves it's own entry. Look for chapter five to continue to follow my journey.


Anonymous said…
I really noticed a different mind set/emotional balance between August 15 to the 18th. As the saying goes, tomorrow is a new day. your posts reflect this.

Happy Tuesday,
Anonymous said…
Zzorhn.........don't let the negativity of others bring you down. If they chose to stay in Fort and do nothing for themselves then it's not your fault.

You made the choice to better yourself and are working your way through it. Those that support you and believe in you will continue to do so and show you that they are always here for you through the ups AND THE DOWNS!

Keep your chin up and stay true to yourself!


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