Turn the Page - Chapter Six

This is the SIXTH chapter in the "Turn the Page" series, where I keep an online diary of my daily activities, thoughts, and notable events. Originally meant to only be a short letter home to my family and friends, so that my mom and those I care about could see that I was still alive and safe, has now become so much more! I have followers all over the planet; Canada, USA, France, Russia, Israel, UK, and many more [I listed the countries in the order of viewers] This is more than just being able to read another person's diary, it's a daily documentation where I detail my rise from obscurity to fame. Anyone reading these entries, will see instances of my struggles, as well as, my success.
IF you have not yet read the other five chapters, I would encourage you do so before reading further. It's always best to start at the beginning of a story.

Chapter One: May 4th - May 14th
Chapter Two: May 15th - June 30th
Chapter Three: July 1st - July 27th
Chapter Four: July 29th - August 31st
Chapter Five: September 1st - September 22nd

School is back in, and the days are growing colder and shorter. It's hard to believe that it was five months ago that I made the life changing choice to move; so much has happened since that fateful day! Turns out, it was more than just a change in locale, but a complete change in lifestyle. Things that seemed so important, now seem trivial. I've met many new friends, and accomplished so much in such a short time!

I thoroughly enjoy feedback! Some of my supporters write letters and such, asking questions, or even merely providing words of wisdom or encouragement. If you wish to write to me, I would welcome and encourage you to do so. My addy is at the top of the webpage, and includes my phone number for those who would prefer to text, or call. It would be great to hear from you!

September 24th
I've worn suits before; I've never owned a suit. Finding comfort in jeans and a T-shirt, I blended in with those that surrounded me. Even going out in public, meant merely throwing on clean clothes, not necessarily dressing up. I've even been known to walk downtown wearing a hoodie, looking like some throwback to a Star Wars wanna-be-Jedi.

I now dress up to go shopping.

Who knows why; I really enjoy dressing up. Perhaps it's the fact that I now own THREE suit jackets, and they fit well; it could also be the way that people treat me when I wear a suit and tie. Dress for the job you want, right? Well, in my humble opinion, I look damn close to a movie star dressed up like that! I even dress up to exercise if I go out in public. It feels good to look good.

It's true, I was in a bit of a funk recently; a combination of about five set of occurrences drove me to a depressive state. One of the main factors for my mood change, was the external hard drive I had to thoroughly examine; pictures of family members that have passed on, lost-love, memories, pictures of my children, and old letters set me on a downward spiral. I've been writing / working every single day. I am still couch surfing my way through the GTA. I'm broke, and really only need a few hundred bucks to jumpstart things after the setback in June [see how I fell through the cracks of the Landlord and Tenant act, and subsequently lost the last of my savings - July 10, August 12th] My tuba arrived in London, dented and rusted; the man who offered to help me take care of the instrument and sell it, not only fell short of his promise, but, purposely caused damage to spite me. - Now, selling the tuba will be difficult, and I know I won't get what the rare instrument deserved. I'm lonely, and tired of not having someone special in my life. I can go on........

.......So, I put on my big boy gitch, and pulled up my socks. I've got things to see, and people to do, [I think I got that wrong] and wallowing in the past has never got me anywhere quickly. Onward and upward, right? Things will work out, they always do. Talk soon.

September 25th
Ten THOUSAND page views, as of this morning!!  That's over a thousand people a month reading my work since Spring!  I knew it was coming, but with over 200 views yesterday alone, the number rocketed past the 10K mark. Woot!!

I'm heading back to Grimsby tomorrow. I have a hunch October is going to be a busy month for me, and I gotta get myself set up on the Go Transit system. I'm making plans to come back for Hallowe'en, but so far am having a hard time getting anyone interested in a bit of cosplay. It's my favourite holiday of the year, and I really want to see how city folk do it up! I know that Hallowe'en where I come from is much different, mostly because of climate; we have to design our costumes to fit over snowsuits. I'm hoping to be able to go out and win first prize at a costume party, and that's the reason why I'm worrying about it now; it takes time to put together a good costume, especially a group.

I'm taking myself off the dating website. It's been ten months, with only one first date. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I have other things I need to devote my time to, and trolling a dating website can be time consuming. I guess it's also true that I need to get my life in gear BEFORE I find love; or at least settled. The biggest reason, however, is because the woman of my dreams is back. (Not "my dreams" where I feel satiated, by sleeping and dreaming of her) There is talk of forever, as of late. So, for the time being, I am somewhat taking myself off the market.

I've been helping Greg split some of the firewood; gnarled ash, and tree stumps comprising what's left for me to split. Some of the logs take over half an hour for this country boy to finally wack 'em in half. (and I know what I'm doing, too) I don't mind though, as I'm getting a decent workout, while helping the family. Besides, I love to split firewood. The kids were helping me too; riding in the wheelbarrow, and carrying the split wood. Sunshine, kids, and fresh air; what could be better?

I'm getting a couple offers from people wanting to purchase my tuba, but everyone wants it for nothing. Story of my life; when I want something, it costs me an arm and a leg, and when I have something of value, no one wants to pay me what it's worth!

I have named my newest story "Compassionate Resolution". It's really coming together nicely, and compared to "Perils of Power", fairly quickly. The narrative is much easier to write, than first person perspective It's a love story, "Zzorhn style"; where in the midst of blood, and bullets, two people save each other, and fall in love. Don't be shocked at the ending either, as I have three possible endings, and none of them "happily ever after".

Well, speaking of writing, I better get at it. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

September 26th
I woke this morning, to the phone ringing in the house. Groggily I checked the time, and saw that it was not even 7 am yet! My stomach left into my throat; NO ONE calls at the time, unless there's an emergency!! In haste, I pulled on a shirt, and tore upstairs to find out what the problem was. My mind raced with possibilities; a family member in an accident, someones in the hospital, a loved one dead. Turns out, there was NO emergency!! Diane's mother simply calling to inform her of something that could EASILY have waited an hour, or even days! Ugh! What a hell of a way to roll out of bed. It sets the tone for the morning.

Well, now that I'm up, and have a headache from adrenaline, I guess it's time to start my day.

Last night I promised to make breakfast for the family before I leave for the GTA this afternoon. The kids don't have school today, due to some "PA Day"; yup, two weeks into school, and they get a holiday. Regardless, it's bacon, sausage, toast, and eggs, for breakfast. Kinda like a farewell to the kidlets; I won't be back in London for at least a month.

Is it just me, or is it taking a REALLY long time to get the ball rolling on this talent agent? I'm still waiting for a call back to come and pick up those very expensive comp cards. How (bad word) long does it take to print a picture?! Each day, I'm forced to watch, as other members of Max Agency attend auditions, or get call backs, in the form of emails being sent to the various members. I'm not accustomed to waiting; I get things done.

I do have to clarify one thing; I am NOT officially "off the market". Talk, is talk. I received TWO LETTERS from women yesterday after I posted my daily entry, both concerned about my sudden declaration of "forever". Let me be clear; I am still single; I am not rushing anything; I can still go on dates. The moment some woman sweeps me up, and brands me "hers", I'll let you know, but, until that day, I am still officially a bachelor.

Today is going to be spent packing, and spending some time with the Lawrence family before I head back to work. You know that vacation I spoke of? Well, the last couple of days, I have allowed myself the luxury of relaxing about writing. Don't get me wrong, I still wrote (ended up throwing my weight around in an online debate), and I did more research on some of the problems plaguing our planet. I'm pleased to say that both Greg and Diane are quite enjoying the new TV series "Sons of Anarchy" with me. A little playtime with the kids, and even a bike ride in the gorgeous parks and walking trails of London, comprised the rest of my free time. I feel good about heading back to the grindstone, and eagerly look forward to my next visit to see my agent; my new red silk tie, and Italian sports jacket should turn a few heads.

Well, lots to do today, so I'll let you go for now. Talk soon.

September 27th
I'm back in the GTA. I meant to log on last night when I got back, but my roommate and I got to visiting, and lost track of time.

I'm writing a couple of different articles at the moment; my short story, and doing research for the upcoming full length novel, as well as, a documentary about world issues, where I address the growing problem on our planet. Funny how the workload can pile up when you are your own boss!

I have to admit, the climate is different in Southern Ontario; two weeks ago my mom told me about the heavy frost they are getting in North-Western Ontario. It's still warm here (somewhat) and the leaves haven't even started to change colour. I imagine fall will hit soon, and the season of death and decay arrive shortly after, but from what I've heard, it's not even close to the kind of bitter cold I'm used to. Hopefully the rumours are right, as I really don't like cold.

Guess I better get off my ars, and get to writing. So much to do. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

September 28th
What would you do if you could have everything you want? 

Go on a vacation? Invest money? Buy a new home? Live where you want? Marry the person you want? Have a family? Work at a dream job? Most people have to work hard for these kind of goals; unless you're some blue-blood born into money, the idea of getting what you want involves sacrifice. Hard work, and dedicating yourself to attend school, or putting in the time to scrape your way up from nothing, is the only way to achieve such goals.

What would you do if you wanted something, but knew you couldn't have it?

Give up, or abandon your goals? Lower your standards? Forge ahead anyway? Make sacrifices? Settle for something else? It's easy to quit; giving up, or abandoning your goals happens everyday., all over the planet. There are many contributing factors that can cause someone to forsake their ambitions.

Why am I asking these questions?

I barely slept last night; Blame my dreams. Like a church bell being pulled by a hyperactive child, the resonating gong of these questions pervaded my sleep. I awoke this morning, my blankets wrestled into a formless blob, and hugging my pillow. I've sat here, my mind spinning from the imagery for over an hour, before even starting to write my daily journal entry. What do I say? How do I begin to describe the struggle I'm facing?

Like a small child without a single coin in his pocket staring into a toy store window, I look across Lake Ontario at the glittering lights of Toronto, and feel frustrated. It's so close, I feel as though I could reach out and touch it, but when I stretch out my hand, I'm met by bitter cold wind coming off the lake, and the reality of the length of my arm comes into play; I can't reach it. So close, yet, so far away.

I'm still waiting for any mention from my talent agent, as to when I can finally pick up my comp cards. I'd be lying if I was to tell you that things are progressing along the time-frame promised to me; I know in my heart that I've been lied to. Even if the claim was made that "these things take time, and it's taking longer than normal", I would ask, why? Why does it take three months to print a colour business card? I keep checking the roster, and my name still isn't on it, and that requires no waiting time. Recently, a friend sent me a link as to an online thread discussing the agency, AND even mentioned the photographers that work for them, by name. The concern was of course, that instead of an actual agency, its more akin to a scheme; based on the testimony of several others who have been through this very same thing, and ended up feeling mislead, and costing a couple thousand dollars. Fortunately, there was also testimony from a few others (one of which worked for them) explaining how difficult it is to get into such an industry. As I press my nose against the hypothetical, cold, glass of the toy store window, I can see the other children happily getting what they want, and there's nothing I can do but wait; hoping that somehow, the door will open, and I get my chance to play.

There's more; much more. It has nothing to do with my dark thoughts, and the stark imagery I see when I close my eyes. The fact remains, I am subject to the whims of others when it comes to achieving what I want. Regardless of how hard I work, the end result will be defined by what others think.......Let me explain. IF someone goes to work digging a ditch, they show up for work on time, sweat their crack off for hours, and go home with a paycheck. Money for hours, or, trading financial gain for your time. Each day, the ditch grows bigger, and the money keeps rolling in; but what happens when you stop digging? This is the age-old ideology of "hard work pays off", or "good ol' fashioned hard work". The main problem with this line of thinking, is the harsh reality that eventually, one day the ditch digger will no longer be able to pick up a shovel. What then? How do you provide for yourself, and those you love when you no longer can swing that shovel? See, I've already hit that point where I know in my heart I cannot do the "9 to 5" routine based on my current medical condition. Doctors claim this is never going away, and it's something I have to deal with for life; I have to live with it. Ergo, in order for me to actually get ahead in life, I need to do something where I can produce something that people want, and then be able to sit back and allow for repeat royalties; books, and movies. generate this kind of repeat income. The hurdle with this, is producing something that people actually want to watch, or read, and it can easily be said that a man like me could spend a lifetime trying to do everything possible to get into the entertainment field, and never make it!

That door to the toy store could decidedly remain closed. What then?

10 pm
A couple things happened today. I found out that I cannot stay where I am; my roommate is moving at the end of the month. She was contemplating this move for a while now, and I knew it was coming, but, this is still rather sudden. I've tried to find somewhere else to live, however, after three months of practically begging for help in any way, it's apparent no one wants to step up and actually offer me a place to stay, or a few bucks to get me on my way.

I'm not bitter; people are broke, not to mention the fact that most of my friends have family, and it's hard to move someone into their house. Fact is, after all the hell I've been through, there simply is no money left for "first and last". After losing most of my stuff in the fire, getting ripped off by Carol Bradshaw, my tuba dented to the point of being worth much less than it should have been, and the constant travel back and forth to appointments, I'm broke. I say all this knowing full well that nothing happens by chance..........

..........so, perhaps there's a reason I'm not able to complete the move to Toronto. #fate

The other big news, is that the woman in my dreams came to visit last night. During those extremely powerful images, she comes to me, took my hand, and whispered "I love you. It will be fine, don't worry". Why am I dreaming about her? Because....... wait for it....... she's sending me a plane ticket, for a weekend getaway in the middle of October!!! Two days and nights of just us; I'm flying to Thunder Bay, where the two of us are meeting to discuss our future!

Anyway, I HAVE to be out of this place by the middle of the month. I'm packing up, and leaving the GTA on the 13th of October, heading to London to stay with the Lawrence family, and Diane will be dropping me off at the airport; her big worry? That I won't come back.........

.........I wish I could say for certain, that I will. Well, good night. I'm off to dream. Hopefully I see her again in my dreams....... but in a couple weeks, it'll be real.

September 29th
Let me be clear, I am NOT giving up on my dreams!

Last night while I slept, I received an email from overseas criticizing me for "giving up", as well as, a comment on my website claiming the same thing. Everyone is convinced that the moment I see this woman, I'll abandon all my plans.

I cannot go back to the life I once had!

No matter what happens in my life, I have already come too far to merely slip back into obscurity. I cannot stop writing. I cannot throw away all the money spent in trying to reach the goal of becoming a famous Canadian actor! These goals have become more than just a whimsy, and I know in my heart it would kill me to give up. The only reason I am so driven to become the man I'm supposed to be, is more than desire; it's akin to instinct. I know there is something more for me, and there is no way to simply walk away from that. My life has reached a focal point as I've said many times before, and the sum of my life skills is that of an entertainer.

But, the truth is, I cannot see the future.

Yes, plans have been made, and I have a date in the middle of October. The woman meeting me in Thunder Bay, is the same one I met 14 years ago, on September 15th. For two years we happily lived our dreams, with one exception; I cannot father any more children. The plan was for her to leave with my blessing; to go and have a family, and then come back. 12 years later, we're making plans to do exactly that! It's been a rough road; heartache, and bitter sweet sorrow dominated our relationship, as we tried hard to keep in contact, because we were both leading separate lives. Through it all, we exchanged letters, phone calls, and even met up quietly; our mutual admiration and love preventing one another from interfering with each others life.. Here we are, both single, she has her family, and our desire is still as strong as the fateful day we met. She pervades my dreams, and it shows up in almost everything I write. It seemed, however, that fate wouldn't allow us another chance, and I wrote about that as well.  In the spring of 2014, I wrote another article depicting the struggle to love another.

If YOU had a chance to get your family back, what would you do? What sacrifices would you make?

There are many things I need to do today, so I really don't have much time to reflect on all this new development. Hope everyone has a great week!

10 pm
I have had an amazing day! The story Compassionate Resolution, has taken on an entirely new twist! I proof read some of the dialog between the two major characters, and rewrote the descriptive narrative. I've added depth, to a very dark and twisted concept of love; under pressure, two individuals connect in ways akin to magic.

I'm actually going to write the sex scene!

Not sure how publishing such a book works, as everything I've written thus far, is at least PG-17. The material I am promising to bring to life in my new book, will make your toes curl! I'm going to unleash what I'm capable of, without holding back; you've been warned. o.O

There's more.......

......I'm really not sure how to even write this part. My head is spinning I feel like a kid at Christmas! THE TICKET IS PURCHASED! Wooot! [does a happy dance] I leave Toronto and fly to Thunder Bay to meet the woman of my dreams.  Emotions are rolling over me, like the mighty waves of Lake Ontario crashing against the shore; I am flooded with a veritable combination of butterflies, giddiness, moments where my heart literally stops, and happily glowing enough to blind low-flying aircraft! [sits thinking with a stupid smile.....]

I've been told that when I become involved in a relationship, that my attention span wanes, and productivity takes a serious dive. Well....... That's because I'm getting some,,,,, Like, seriously, man's gotta please, right? Takes time to do things right, and while that MAY cut into time spent writing..........

..........the QUALITY of writing, increases exponentially! I noticed it today as I rewrote half the damn book; going over my work with the most scrutinous red pen.

A man in love, becomes a poet.

I have serious choices to make. Where does my future lie? The struggle to get into Toronto isn't an accident. The timing of my angel couldn't come at a better time. Which leaves me with a serious choice; couch surf? Or lay in a bed I call my own, for the first time in over two years, with a woman I've cherished for fourteen years?

September 30th
Lots of things to do today. Much has happened in such a short time, and I'm taking the time to think things through. I've realized that no matter what happens in my life, this journey has taught me many lessons; most importantly, who I am. I can never again become lax in my desires and goals! As I follow my heart, it shows the path to happiness, and many are concerned that if I make a choice to be with the woman of my dreams, that I will quit trying to pursue my goals. Regardless of how much I keep saying that I am staying true to the dreams and goals I've set for myself, there are going to be those that doubt my sincerity.

The ownness is on me, to prove them wrong.

Well, I should get my butt in gear, and get some work done. I'm very pleased with the new twists in the book I'm writing..... Talk soon.

October 1st

A mighty ship sailing on the great Lake Ontario, pushed forward in the storm. As the waves crashed over the deck, the ship continued on its way towards Toronto. At first, the heavy steel frame, and the bulk of the ship tore through the growing waves, and regardless of the unrelenting turbulence, the ship stayed true to its course. Time and time again, the waves broke against the hull, sending water spraying over the deck. The sailors had taken refuge from the storm, and now put their trust in the command crew, fighting to stay on course in the churning black water. For hours, the storm pelted the ship, and still the Captain pressed toward his goal and destination of the iconic city of Toronto, nestled on the North side of the massive inland freshwater lake; he knew in his heart, that eventually the fury of the waves had to relent.

The storm grew in intensity. Inside the vessel, the sailors began to worry, as the violence grew to a favored pitch, and started to throw them around. Each time the ship crested through one of the massive waves rolling across the lake, the bow would smash hard into the next. The metal began to groan in protest against the might of the powerful forces raging around the vessel. Soon, it became obvious that the storm was not abating, but rather, growing in intensity. If the Captain remained on course, the possibility of breaking apart, or being swamped by the waves, was quickly becoming a reality. The skill of the crew, and the strength of the ship, were rapidly diminishing against the force of Mother Nature's wrath. The brave sailors began to mutter about the possibility of the ship sinking, and some even fell to their knees in prayer. Panic gripped the men and women, and they knew in their heart that if something didn't change soon, all might be lost.

The Captain could see the lights of Toronto in his sights; bobbing up and down in the wake of the Canadian squall. - So close to safety of the harbour, and yet, so far away. They only had a little more further to go, but in his mind, the Captain knew that if he pressed forward, he might lose everything; ship, crew, and cargo. With a heavy sigh, he gave the order, "Turn the ship into the waves!" The appointment in Toronto would have to wait! The safety of the men and women under his command were his first priority.

Slowly, the massive vessel turned to face the wrath of the storm. As the bow of the ship sliced into the waves, the violence aboard began to settle. Fear of capsizing began to abate, and the sailors below deck cheered. Like a ballerina striding across the stage, the ship rode over the waves with grace.

Soon, they reached a safety of Port Dalhousie, and docked. The crew took the opportunity to relax, and clean up the mess created by the fight with the Canadian squall. For two days, they fixed the ship, and rested. Eventually, the weather relented, and the Captain gave the order, "Make fast, and return to Toronto". In no time at all, they reached their destination, and docked the mighty vessel in the harbour.

As the crew unloaded the cargo, the Port authorities came over to see the Captain. "By God, sir! We were almost certain that you weren't going to make it! That was quite the journey you had."

The Captain agreed, "Yes. It was a bit scary for a short time. Unfortunately, we didn't make the deadline set for our manifest".

The Port Authority looked at the proud Captain, and concurred, "True, your choice to make a course correction cost you time.........."

".........But, you're here".

October 2nd

.....It's JUST occurred to me, that the woman of my dreams can read my journal! Or rather, HAS been reading EVERYTHING I've ever written! You know, for a smart guy, I can be really dumb sometimes! Yea, I kinda figured she might be reading what I'm putting in my daily journal, but I don't know why it never crossed my mind that she might be reading my short stories as well; you know, the ones that keep depicting her - Long, red hair, freckles, doe eyes, spiritual, wonderful her. Seriously......go back and read almost everything I've ever written, and you'll find a common theme in the woman I keep using as my heroine.


Well, she giggled as she explained how it's been easy to keep tabs on me during our twelve years of separation, not to mention the fact, that it's evident she is still pervading my dreams and waking thoughts. I can't even deny it! I never stopped loving her! I keep thinking about rushing into her arms, and holding her tight; our chance to finally be together. Then I realize, that we've always been together. We never really stopped; our minds, and hearts are still desiring each other after all these years. When we whisper, "I miss you, and can't wait to be together", it should be realized, that through all the missed "I love you", and even our vast, distant, past, we have always been together. You don't need to plaster it all over social media, to realize these facts, or to even understand the power of attraction the two of us share.

It's like mixing a fairy tale ending-come-true, with string theory.

So, plans have changed somewhat. I am still flying to Thunder Bay to meet up with her for a night of intense passion, but then, we're heading to Fort Frances to go see the children, and visit with my mom and my stepfather. I'm so excited!!! I can't wait to see everyone again! So much has happened, and I have tonnes of interesting stories, and adventures to tell.

I'm not the same man she knew. Well, heck yea! That's an easy statement to make, as I'm not the same man I was six months ago! If anything, I'm back to being the dreamer, the guy with the goofy grin; the man she fell in love with in the first place! [Editor's note, this story originally had HER name in it. I wrote it, and then upon proofreading, realized that her name somehow managed to sneak into the story. Oops! Soon I'll be shouting it from the mountain tops, but for now, I'll just leave you guessing - Most probably already know anyway]

As for plans, my goal is to diversify my talent. I'll be staying with Max, but since I have a non-exclusive contract, I can pursue other avenues. My goal is to get representation in Thunder Bay, as well as London. Once I get my portfolio back, I am free to use these tools to fulfill my dreams......

October 4th
My sincere apologies! I've been without the use of Internet for the last two days, and haven't had anytime to actually write in my diary. The good news? I've made full use of no distractions, and have done a serious number on my newest book!! Go me!! :)

I have an announcement.
For the first time, since 2000,  Brandis and I are public. This is something the two of us have been looking forward to for a very long time. I can't begin to describe how happy I am! Can't wait to see her at the end of the month! I'm super excited!!

A few things of worth have occurred since I last wrote; I am heading into Toronto on Thursday to finally pick up my portfolio! Talk about great timing. The pl;n is for Diane to pick me up at my place in the GTA, and then head back to London. When I leave that Thursday morning, I must make certain that everything is packed and ready to move...... I won't be coming back to this place, as my roommate is moving. Everything MUST go to London.

Well, I should go and get a little more work done on my book. I'll talk soon. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

October 5th
My newest book it really taking off!! To be honest, I'm really engrossed with it, and I'm of the humble opinion, that it is by far one of the best things I've written to date! 

Things are good. It's a quiet Sunday morning, and I plan on doing some serious writing. I've sent a few copies of the book to a couple different people, and I'm waiting to hear back as to their thoughts on the provocative piece. Well, talk soon.

October 6th
I finished my book yesterday, and I'm now waiting to hear back from the half dozen people I sent a copy to, so I can use their constructive criticism before I publish it. - Although that, in and of itself is going to be difficult, as Amazon doesn't allow for such graphic use of pornography or violence. Which means, I'm going to have to find another publicist, for this book.

I've heard back from a few people in the last couple days, about the quality of writing that is rolling from my keyboard as of late. Even I can see a difference in the depth, and substance of my latest work. I guess the old mantra of "If you keep doing something, eventually you will get good at it", is true; since Spring, I have done nothing else, but write. 

There are still a few naysayers claiming I'm giving up on my dreams of becoming famous. Truth is, I already am! I receive fan mail from all over the planet, and I only see that as a mere start to a long life of dedicating myself to my work, and my passion for writing and acting. I have the tools, and the contacts that will allow me to flourish in any entertainment field I choose, and I am never going to settle, regardless of where I live, or what I do.

Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful week! I have much to do, and less time to do it in. Gotta run.

 October 7th
Well, hello Tuesday! Contrary to popular opinion, this week is speeding by fairly quickly. I can't wait to board that plane in Toronto, and walk into Brandis's arms! I expected time to drag, however, I'm keeping busy, which seems to speed things up. I finished my short story yesterday, and uploaded it to Amazon. Hopefully it passes through the filters, as there are scenes of violence, and some pornography. My luvvy came up with the title, “Criminal Desire”. I LOVE IT!
After I proofread the book for the umpteenth time, and uploaded it to Amazon, my roommate and I decided to go on a little adventure. Turns out there are REALLY cool walking trails in Grimsby! We started a the beach on Lake Ontario where I did some rock hunting. I made a promise to a couple of children, that I would bring them back a couple of the smooth skipping stones from the iconic Great Lake. After a bit of turning over stones, my pockets full, we headed to the car.

My roommate drove us to the top of the escarpment that overlooks the town, and we parked the car. I can't explain how wonderful Southern Ontario walking trails are! They really understand the need for such facilities, as opposed to North-Western Ontario, which doesn't give much thought to such sight-seeing tourist attractions. (Which is weird, because the Rainy River District markets itself as “tourist country”)
As we walked over the extremely old Precambrian rock of the old Niagara Falls, I was amazed at the both the natural landscape, and the overgrowth of vegetation. It was like something out of a fantasy film!! The original path of the iconic Canadian waterfall, once cut a swath through the fossil-rich rock, before it's path was forever changed. The cool thing, is that the waterfall still exists today, but, it's hidden by moss, and thick trees. We soon found ourselves off the beaten path, and climbing over massive slabs of rocks, trying to find the hidden pools nestled in the swath of overgrowth.

The leaves on the trees are slowly turning colour. I can barely believe it's already October, as all the trees still have their leaves, and are only starting to change. I know in my heart, that this already happened back in North-Western Ontario a couple weeks ago, and they are already getting frost at night. Here? Not so much.

The trees are old with gnarled roots, digging into the rocks of the ancient waterway. Some are barely clinging to the side of the escarpment, growing in places that are seemingly impossible! Like some scene out of Lord of The Rings, I half expected an elven warrior to appear, and demanding us to turn back. We followed the twisting trail, for a couple hours, when we discovered we had ended up walking back into town!

That's when my roommate and I realized we had walked down the entire mountainside! Joking with each other about the long walk back up, we chose the highway instead. It's funny how simple it seems to head up the paved road when you're in a vehicle, compared to trudging our butts up the mountain. Soon we reached the top of the hill, and started towards the car.

We passed a large apple orchard. In the waning light of the sun, my roommate and I jumped the ditch and picked two large ripe apples off the trees. Giggling like little school kids, we continued down the road, happily munching the largest apples I have ever seen in my life! I cannot even begin to describe the taste of the sun kissed fruit. It's safe to say that it took well over 20 minutes to finish eating, and by that time, we had found the car.

I had a wonderful time, and learned more about Canadian history. I walked on paths created by the first people who came to the sunny shores of Lake Ontario. I broke rocks apart to find the fossilized remains of snails, insects, and other kinds of creatures that lived millions of years ago. I drank water from the remnants of the original Niagara Falls, and dreamed by the burbling stream, cascading over the moss covered rocks. It was magical.........

October 8th
“With your shield, or on it.” I remember those words spoken by my buddies, when I left Fort Frances. I also remember my mom telling me, “Don't come back”. Now, I'm sure my good friends and my mom weren't trying to tell me to run off an die in the big city, or to never come back. I'm certain that when they said “with you shield”, it was a reference to the great movie “300” where the King was being told to come back with success. I know in my heart that was the same reason, my mom told me to not come back. It was a direct order given by the dear woman that brought me into this world, to go off and find success. “Don't come back” doesn't necessarily mean she never wants to see me again, it just means she didn't want to see me going down a dead end road.

I'm coming back a success. There's no stopping this train!

I've written another mini-story. For anyone checking up on me, I do have to apologize; I have no Internet. As I'm writing this entry, I'm doing so, knowing it will have to be uploaded the first chance I actually get myself back on the world wide web. In the meantime, I've managed to write with barely any distractions. My biggest problem with my writing, is that I’m a perfectionist. I look at each sentence, and second guess myself on each word. I'm even worse when it comes to punctuation, or as I l like to call it “To comma, or not to Comma”. I'm not sure why I'm so anal about my commas. Probably, because I know how important the proper use of a comma is. Comma. Comma Comma Comma.. There. I'm done. Comma. Write one sentence, delete two. Remember to sigh heavily. Repeat.

I'm sure I'll get better at this writing thing. Practice makes perfect, right? I do have to admit that if I ever get a proper office or at least a desk, I'll making damn good use of it! I guess the trick is to start making money. Memo to me....Write something that makes money. Who am I kidding? I don't read what I write. o.O

The good news is these mini-stories serve a purpose. They are the background tales of the characters in my upcoming novel. Each story is distinctly different, and it shows the lineage, as well as, the rivalries of would-be enemies. In the fantasy world I'm working on, there are four kinds of elves; the Wood Elf, The Horse Lords, or White Elf. High Elves, or Grey Elf, and the Dark Elf. High Elves are the ultimate good, with the Wood Elves being a tolerant, kind people. The tribes of the Horse Lords are vicious, cunning, and cruel. They are also loyal to family, and fiercely territorial. The Drow, or Dark Elves are things of myth, or legends. Being as any real mention of the race is subject to plagiarism, and campaign crossovers, I will not be writing about the evil subsurface elves. The elves wars between the Wood elves and the White Elves is a legend of betrayal. It sparked a decade long war, based on a lie and the death of the King. This leaves two orphans forced into exile, never to return upon fear of death. I should have the next story about the Crown Prince ready for publish once I get Internet.

No Internet. [Sigh]

I feel like I fell off the planet. GaWd! I never realized how much I use the damn thing. I was sitting here, happily typing away, and thought, “Gee! I wonder what's laying on the radio”. [OK...So I actually didn't say “gee”, but you get the picture]. So, I turned my attention to writing again.Tippitiy, taP. Type, Delete. Delete. Comma. Sigh. Check mail on phone . Write. Delete. Delete.

SO! The next short story must obviously be about the twin sister of the Prince. I already have an idea in mind as to how I want to convey the depth of this character's skill, and pain. The one following that? The shape-shifting, Wood elf ranger. So, at this point you're probably asking yourself why I'm writing all these little short stories. To which I answer, Because! ......That, and these “behind the scenes” of the character's and the reasons they fit into the storyline.

So between all the justle and the fustle, of heading to Toronto tomorrow, I have to hop back on a GoTrain back to Grimbsy, pick up my stuff, load it in the back of Diane's van, and head back to London. All my stuff is packed, and I'm ready to move. Here was the course correction that I spoke of. I'm redirecting back to the place I started this summer. I won't be there long, as I have only a short time before I have to fly to Thunder Bay, and meet Brandis. It seems so close, yet so far.

I'm coming back with my shield.

October 10th
7:30 am
Well, I'm up, and all my stuff is packed. Today is the big day! I leave the GTA for London. It's a tactical withdrawal; I have to leave because my roommate is moving. I'm a little nervous about today, as the timing has to be perfect, for everything to work. My roommate has promised me a ride into Toronto, but I'm a little nervous, as the last thing she said to me when I went to bed was “You might have to find your own way into Toronto”. Ugh! How does anyone make plans, based on that? So I have two plans; one that waits until the very last second, and bolts to the bus stop if I have to; and two, where I relax and just hope my roommate get up in time, and hasn't changed her mind. It saves me money if I go with my roommate.....but I really don't like the uncertainty!

12:50 pm
Almost at Toronto. I'm aboard the goTrain, since my roommate cancelled. Adapt and change, right? I'll be a bit rushed because I waited until 11 am to catch the train. Normally I catch the 10 am one, but I'm hoping to spend less time waiting in the big city. It just means there can be no mistakes. I must make this appointment on time.

Truth is, the real reason I'm so nervous about today, as I still haven't decided what I'm going to say. Fact remains, that I am going to be staying somewhere else, be it London, Thunder Bay, or even Fort Frances. In my goal to be flexible, I must learn to wait, be patient, and follow the path I'm destined to choose. I'm under the impression, that it should be possible to live elsewhere, and simply fly to worthwhile job opportunities. I just don't ever want to be placed in a situation, where I have to give up on my dreams of becoming successful, because of the cost of a plane ticket.

So, here we go, back into the big T.O. I still quite enjoy the train ride. I just don't make a big deal about having to transfer from bus, to train, to subway, and back again; at least not anymore. I just wish that Brandis and the children could be with me on this adventure. There are lots of things to do and see in the city. I just have to remind myself, that soon, we will be doing all sorts of things, and going on lots of adventures together. I can't wait.

3:30 pm
I'm back aboard the GoTrain, and heading for Burlington, where I'll I'll hop on a bus, and then get picked up by Diane, to head to London.

Today was a good day! I FINALLY picked up my portfolio and comp cards from Max, and signed the contract. Done! I'm now registered talent with one of Toronto's biggest agencies! The owness is on me to ensure I make myself available when I need to. It's going to be a long road from here, with lots of traveling. This is what i want, right? Nothing comes easy.The pictures look good. Lord knows I'm super critical of myself

As we pull out of Toronto, I say good bye to a long summer of pushing forward with a goal. I've learned so much over these past few months, and in the midst of it all, I found myself. Cya later big city! I'll be back!

11 pm 
I'm in London. Everything went according to plan, and my trains were on time. A good day. I'm uploading a couple of the pictures on social media, as well as, trying to share my newest short story. I'll talk to you in the morning!

October 10th
It is SO good to finally get Internet again! I've been sitting her listening to recorded karaoke songs, with Brandis singing. After a couple of those, I watched the videos she sent me during my blackout period. Feels so good to hear her sing! One of the little things I forgot after so many years, is how much she loved to sing; anytime, anywhere.

I've also uploaded my journals, and now I'm working on the latest short story. So much to do!!

I'm going hat shopping this morning. It's for Hallowe'en, as well as, something I can keep as a writing hat.......Don't ask. Apparently its an artist thing.

Well, as I have much to do, and less time to do it in, I should go. Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday! Talk soon.

October 11th

I've researched what it's going to take to get me on that airplane near the end of the month; thinking it was merely a walk off the bus, I was shocked to hear that won't be the case. Turns out, my ticket is for the Toronto ISLAND airport! Which means, I'll have to board and ride the ferry to get to the island. I'm actually excited to partake in this little adventure, but, it means meeting very strict scheduling, with no mistakes. I MUST be on that plane!

The days are counting down quickly. Time seems to be flying along with new adventures, friends, and my continued dedication to writing. Each day I phone home and talk to my family, and each day become more enamored with the idea that I'm coming home. Home; the word has great meaning. For me, it means a place of happiness, family, and love. Home is where the heart lies, they say, and I cannot deny the truth in such a powerful statement. My heart belongs to Brandis, and wherever she is, so is my home. I'm growing excited a little more each day! I think that's because it's becoming a little more real, with each passing day; I have a family waiting for me, to come home.

It feels good to be back at the Lawrence residence. This morning, I made bacon and eggs for the kids. I love to cook for others, and it's wonderful to see the appreciation when the family eagerly gobbles up what I've made! Last night I cooked supper, and I was amazed at how quickly the children cleaned their plates, and wanted more! I could always claim it's because I cook with real butter, and whip my mashed potatoes with a mix-master, but I'm pretty sure it's because of the ingredient that isn't listed on the directions..... Love.

Later this afternoon, I am going to help Diane take down her mom's gazebo for winter. After that, it's another sword lesson for the kids in the backyard. I'll be cooking supper again, and possibly do some writing. An enjoyable day!

October 12th
Happy Thanksgiving!! Today I will be helping Diane cook a feast; turkey, with all the fixings. In true spirit of the holiday, I am thankful for many things; good friends, love, my children,  strength of character, family, and most of all this year I am thankful for the chance at a new beginning.

It's hard to beleive how fast time seems to be flying along! It only seems like a short while ago, that Brandis and I started talking about forever, and here it is with only 11 days until I'm back in her arms. We had a few skype calls yesterday, and I can see the excitement in the eyes of the children. This is no longer just about two people falling in love again; it's much more! I'm excited, as well as, a bit nervous because I know how important all of this is, and I want to be the very best that I can!

We've figured out how much of a hasstle it's going to be for me to ensure I'm at the Island airport. Nothing I can't necessarily handle, but, there are opportunities for error. Greyhound bus, to the subway, to a shuttle bus, to the island ferry, THEN the airport security, as opposed to a short drive to the London airport and a relaxed trip to Thunder Bay. Oh well..... just means a bit of an adventure, right? We've checked to see what it will entail to change my ticket, and unfortuanately, it means losing money for cancellation, if we were to find another way to get back to Thunder Bay.

I can't wait to see my family! Even the children are counting down "the sleeps".

I wish everyone a safe, and happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all find comfort in family, freinds, and good health! I think about my brothers and sisters who are scattered across Canada, and I can only hope that they feel the love I share.

A Thanksgiving Day Prayer
Lord, so often times, as any other day
When we sit down to our meal and pray

We hurry along and make fast the blessing
Thanks, amen. Now please pass the dressing

We're slaves to the olfactory overload
We must rush our prayer before the food gets cold

But Lord, I'd like to take a few minute more
To really give thanks to what I'm thankful for

For my family, my health, a nice soft bed
My friends, my freedom, a roof over my head

I'm thankful right now to be surrounded by those
Whose lives touch me more than they'll ever possibly know

Thankful Lord, that You've blessed me beyond measure
Thankful that in my heart lives life's greatest treasure

That You, dear Jesus, reside in that place
And I'm ever so grateful for Your unending grace

So please, heavenly Father, bless this food You've provided
And bless each and every person invited

--Scott Wesemann

October 13th
I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend! Yesterday, I helped with the cooking, and we nailed that turkey! I'm thankful for everything the Lawrence family has ever done for me!!! My life has been seriously changed from the time spent this summer in London, and I'm thankful for such warm, caring friends!

I have many things to be thankful for; my talents, the love of my life, and my children! I'm indeed a very blessed man!

Speaking of family, plans have changed. Drum roll, please? .....................

..............I am not longer flying out of Toronto, and instead, flying out of London! A simple trip to the London airport, and board a plane; leisurely, and only one step, ensuring nothing can go wrong. I'm coming home to my family! I'm so excited!! This all happens this upcoming weekend, and by Sunday, I'll be in Fort Frances. 4 sleeps! :) 

More packing today, and a bit more writing. I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with the kidlets, although it's rainy outside, so we're going to have to find something indoors to do. Maybe later, I'll play "hide and seek", or "blanket monster".

My time is winding down in southern Ontario quickly! I think Diane wants to go out and see a movie or something this week. Guess we'll see.....well, off to write for a bit. Talk soon. 

October 14th
I'm ready to come home. The word "home" is more than a destination! It's a state of mind, where the soul is comforted, and finds rest. For me, I'm going home to my family; the woman of my dreams, and two wonderful children!  For too long have I wandered alone; imprisoned on crimes I didn't commit, forced to scrape by and living on the generosity of others, I've been drifting from one place to another, with no real bed. It's been over two years since I had a place to call my own.

And the blood will dry underneath my nails

And the wind will rise up, and fill my sails
So you can doubt, and you can hate
But I know, no matter what it takes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday.
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home, Tell the world I'm coming...
- Skylar Grey

....I'm coming home to my family, and a lifetime of love. Our future is unwritten, and Lord knows where we will end up eventually. I do know, however, that as long as I'm with my family, I'll always be home no matter where we live.

I'm excited, and can't wait. I'm coming home, Brandis......

October 15th

I've repacked my things for the second time. We went on the website for Air Canada yesterday, and found out what I'm allowed to carry with me in the plane, and what has to go in my checked luggage. I'm really not comfortable with the fact that there is going to be people opening my luggage and sorting through my things. I'm planning on packing things so damn tight to make everything fit, and it's going to piss me off if things don't fit again, because someone tore my suitcase apart! I'm not used to this flying thing, and while the flight isn't scary at all (I'm excited as heck to fly) it's the rules for people using air travel that have already got me worked up. We ALL KNOW that air port screening doesn't actually prevent terrorism; it only gives the North American people the illusion of "safety". So, I'm nervous about my belongings, namely my computer, and monitor. I've heard horror stories about theft, and the reckless manner that my luggage will be handled. It's a major concern for me.

It's been overcast and gloomy for two days now. No real rain; just enough to get everything wet, and then remain soaked and chilly. I was hoping to get in a few more trips on the skating trails before I left London; it won't be until next year that I can go skating. The season of death and decay is upon us.

 I'm ready to come home now.

October 17th
I've been busy. You'll have to excuse my not writing yesterday, but I have repacked my things for the sixth time. I've spent time in reflection, and catching up on a few episode of "SOA", and "Orange is the new Black". My stuff is all ready to go; I'm excited, and nervous. Diane is dropping me off at the London airport, and Brandis is picking me up in Thunder Bay. In just a few hours, I'll be holding the woman of my dreams, in my arms. A few hours later, we'll pick up the children from the sitter's, and go home. Home; what powerful word! A term of endearment, and comfort, the word "home" instantly conjures a strong emotional response, regardless of the connotation.

I'm on my way, Home Sweet Home!!

As I sit at the Lawrence table penning my journal for the last time this summer, I am reminded of all the great times we had! Canada's Wonderland, bike rides / rollerblading with the kidlets, baking / cooking, volunteering for airshows, meeting new friends, riding public transit, photo shoots, and much, much more!!

I have to go. Don't worry, the story is far from over! Time to turn another page in my life, and start a new chapter. Talk soon! :)


Anonymous said…
Good luck with your Hallowe'en costume and mending and reestablishing your relationship with the "women of your dreams"

with <3
Anonymous said…
Sounds like your going to give up..... a dude once said to me "99% of life is what you make of it so if your life sucks, you suck!" So suck it up and make it happen man...nobody can make it happen other than you.
Anonymous said…
My only caution to you is that women of our dreams tend to be perfect. People aren't perfect and if it hasn't worked out for you by now, it most likely worked. I feel like you want to move forward but you are always looking back and that impacts your success. My advice to you is to get a full time job, keep writing and save your money and focus on getting some savings.

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