Obscure Arcanum - Chapter Twelve

A DIARY (also called a journal) is a record (originally in handwritten format) with discrete entries arranged by date reporting on what has happened over the course of a day or other period. A personal diary may include a person's experiences, and/or thoughts or feelings, including comment on current events outside the writer's direct experience. Someone who keeps a diary is known as a diarist.

Have you ever wanted to read someone's diary? Here's your chance.......

........First time here? It's always best to start at the beginning. 

T-Boned” (2014)

“Turn the Page” (2014)

Obscure Arcanum” (2015+)

One thing is certain; life is all about change. Nothing ever stays the same, and it's how we adapt to change that determines our success. The old analogy of comparing the willow versus the oak comes to mind, whereas, during the storm the mighty oak can be toppled from the powerful winds, while the slender willow tree will bend and flex, but not break. We need to be flexible in times of stress, so that we too do not break and become uprooted. For me this holds so true, and it's only when I allow myself the opportunity to adapt and change that I can succeed in achieving my goals.

At one time, not so very long ago, I had given up hope. I was stricken with a major health issue, and I've been forced to live each day with bloating, cramping, and severe pain. I have been issued a medical marijuana license to help with the  sensations that plague me every single day, but it's still hit or miss depending on what I eat, what I drink, the weather, the levels of stress in my life, and many other external influences. I can flare up at a moment's notice, so much of what I do is pre-planned from day to day. It wasn't always this way, and I'll admit then when I first took sick and the Doctors from the little backwards town I came from couldn't help, I became seriously depressed. In the early months of 2014 I sat on the curb of a major highway and waited for a pulp truck to end my misery. As fate would have it, I was rescued by a life-long friend, Diane Lawrence, who contacted me and made arrangements for me to leave the Rainy River District in North-Western Ontario, seeking medical help in Southern Ontario. Since that choice and subsequent move, I have managed to have some control over my life, and I am now in a much better frame of mind. In fact, it's like I've been given a new lease on life.

The roller coaster of life is fraught with good and bad moments. As an individual I have made it my mantra to try and see the good in every situation, but that in itself isn't easy. There are so many things that drag a person down in life, and there are times when it feels like I'm slipping under the pounding waves, gasping for breath as I drown. There are other times when I lose myself in the moment and cannot imagine life any differently. These moments are not as rare as people would have you believe, for my happiness comes from within and is not necessarily based on external influences. However, the world can on occasion break through my carefully built emotional wall, and essentially sucker-punch me in the feels. In the last two years there have been times of nervousness, joy, frustration, giddiness, extreme anger, anguish, and physical pain, all due to external forces. I'm up one day, and then due to how others influence me, I am seething in rage due to absolute frustration. I know the reasons why these things happen, and I do my utmost to limit the negativity as I know full well what the power of positive thinking can do.

Why do I keep an online journal for anyone to see and read? To be totally blunt, I hadn't intended to start an online diary, but in 2006 I decided that I needed a place to put my thoughts where others could easily access them. Initially, it was a tool for me to use in debates, or to post a joke or story I had written. I didn't start out thinking that I would someday make a habit of writing daily, but life changed as all things eventually do, The very first diary I posted online was my memoirs written during my incarceration in 2012. I found that writing my thoughts down helped me to see things more clearly, as well as, getting all those thoughts out of my head. I find that when I get something stuck in my head the best way to move past the moment in time or the imagery, is to write, paint, or craft. In this same manner, I put my thoughts down each day not only as a reminder to me about all the day's events, but also how I feel and more importantly, how things are affecting me. It's easy to wallow in self pity or become super-obsessed with success, and I find taking the time to write helps me to stay grounded. It is for this reason that I have kept a diary as long as I have.

 It's quite the story. You can tell from reading my journal, or as I tend to call it, "Dear Diary", how things in my life are going from day to day. You can really see a difference when you start comparing it year to year! For me? It's an interesting social experience, although it was not originally intended to become a world-wide phenomenon like it did; the whole purpose of the "Turn the Page Series" and "Obscure Arcanum" were for my family and friends back home to keep track of my whereabouts and the major events in my life during my move to Southern Ontario in 2014. Then, it morphed into something much more......

....back in the second chapter of "Turn the Page" I stopped writing. What was the point, right? I had made the move to Southern Ontario, and didn't really think much of discontinuing my writing. Suddenly, I had an influx of email from all over the planet asking me to continue writing. [Shrugs] Well, I haven't stopped since.

To date, over thirty-six thousand people have visited my blog! I remember when I first started writing and getting excited over a couple thousand. My goal to become world-renown is being achieved, and it's only through the help and support of people like you that I am able to continue chasing my dreams. Thank you for helping make this such a huge success.

January 27th
I wish I could say "Good morning", but I am neither in good spirits, or physically well. Not exactly the way I want to start out the latest chapter in my journal, but it's how I feel. My heart is broken, because I am now starting over. Again.

What's going on? Well, I broke off my relationship with a woman I had been dating for over a year. I'm not going to get into why this happened, as it really doesn't matter anymore. My life has reached a crossroads where I need to make some choices as to my future. As of this moment the only I know for certain is that I have to put my belongings in storage for the time being and live out of a suitcase. That's all I know, besides the fact that it's cold out, and I have no place to go at the moment. I cannot stay at Diane and Greg's house like I did when I first moved to London, but I do have other friends after two years. I'll be making some phone calls and seeing where I can stay for the moment until I get my life sorted out.

I really hate moving. I enjoy the luxury of being able to stick to a routine and having all my things ready at a moment's notice. Many of my password are stored on my desktop computer, and since I'll be having to use  my laptop for a while, it's going to make things difficult for me.

I'm still at my now-ex-girlfriend's house, as I still haven't found a way to get my stuff out of here. Tonight is cut shot because I have a previous commitment and have to go out. I know tomorrow isn't going to be any better as Diane is busier than a cat trying to cover poop on a marble floor. I'd like to get this over with rather than have it drag out, because I feel out of place now. You can literally cut the amount of stress in the house with a knife it's so thick. I'm just waiting for her to do something to cause more problems.

I'll keep you informed as to what's going on, but for now I'm going to sign out; I'm trying to stay positive and right now it's difficult. Talk later.

January 27th - 10 PM
Hello, Dear Diary, you sexy beast. How are you? Me? I finally got the painting done I needed for Dungeons and Dragons.

For over three decades I have been a Dungeon Master using the 2nd Edition of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. In that time I refused to use the store-bought campaigns available, and preferred to make my own realm.
Over time my world grew from a no-name friendly tavern to an entire world and several other realms, complete with its own pantheon.
I've drawn up the map a few times, and although the shore lines may shift and change a bit, the essence of the world never changed.
I give you, Samar'Kahnde.
13 major continents
Pirate bay
Two polar regions
1 1/2 times the size of Earth, it has 1.2 G
Surface and Subsurface cities
Two new races: White Elves and Rock Trolls
Tenether - The Isle of the Gods
And much more!
I've lost track of the amount of people I've gamed with through the years, but I bring with me an immense sense of pride for being host to so many in fantasy role play. To everyone I've ever gamed with, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. It's because of you that this is possible. From play-testing to total party kills, This world is a part of you, for it contains our blood, sweat, and tears.
"May your sword arm never tire, and your spell pouch never empty. Blessed be, adventurer"
Acrylic on canvas painting

So there you go. I'm pretty pleased with how it all turned out, and I can't wait to use it in my next game... Which is tomorrow now that I think of it..... [Chuckles] And where we left off is, oh let m,e think..... [Snaps his fingers] That's right. They were being attacked by a Demonic Fire Elemental...

I better get my game face on. See you in the morning.

January 29th - Noon
Hello, Dear Diary. I awoke to a cold, snowy morning, and cramped up like you wouldn't believe. I'm pretty sure it was due to the amount of sugar I imbibed yesterday during the game. Not sure how many times I have to tell myself not to drink pop like "Sprite" or "Pepsi" because it cripples me up big time.

Yes, I know what I shouldn't eat or drink because of my health issues. Yes, I forget to not eat sugar, because it's so prevalent in food... Especially food and drink preferred by role players.

The Dungeons and Dragons game last night was awesome!! We gamed from 2 in the afternoon until midnight.  Not including suppertime and scheduled breaks, it was a total of 10 hours of some severe dice rolling and role playing. There was one time when the characters were exhausted of their spells, and had realized they were not impacting the Demonic Fire Elemental. I could see it in their eyes after three hours of throwing everything they had at the powerful creature. In their defense, they prevented any real damage to the town, and I awarded them with extra experience points for a job well done. After they had finally vanquished the lava monster, they turned their attention to the overwhelming horde of demons running amok, and realized how they were being gated in...

......and in a brilliant twist, they ended up going back to the very first dungeon I DM'd in London. The PC's are much more powerful than they were the first time, and rolled through the feeble defenses to get to the portal they had struggled to get through only a year before. Once they had smashed the gate, they retired back to their own castle to train and plan the next big adventure.

As I said, it was an awesome game, and there was times of hardship, laughter, sadness, and joy. A true roller coaster of role playing as the party battled the monsters invading their realm and killing loved ones, but things got so strained at one time that some of the party's NPC's TURNED on one of the PC's during a heated moment. One NPC ended up dead during the conflict, and a wedge was driven between a couple of the players.....

.....tense, right? I ended up bringing in 6 Gods to deal with the clean-up. Firstly, three of the Gods of Light showed up to fix "Wind's" alignment, (She had changed from True Neutral to Lawful Good, and it was creating problems for her followers and her) plug the hole in the lake of lava threatening the town of Port Solace, and bring closure to the old-argument between a few of the PC's who regarded the Gods of Samar'Khande as an impossibility. In this case, seeing was definitely believing, as Ahkrahn, Robyn, and Shamus greeted the players warmly. It wasn't long, however, before three of the Gods of Darkness decided to even the balance by making an appearance. Vordian, Chislev, and Ser'Vass materialized on the other side of the lava lake, and began to mock the Gods of Light.

I liked the look on the PC's faces as 6 Gods stared each other down. I mean, what could they really do, right? Anyway, it was a showdown for the ages, and it only ended when the Father of All, AO, decided to speak one word, "ENOUGH!". That's all it took for the 6 Gods to realize they needed to leave.

What that did was give the PC's a good look at a few of the members of Samar'Khande's pantheon. It brings a bit of flavour to the Clerics in the game, as well as, balances out the magic between spellcasters and those that get their magic from Divine sources, like Druids and Clerics.

It breathes more life into a fantasy genre.

Well, Dear Diary, I am still at you-know-who's house. [Shrugs] It's where we all gamed last night and crashed. That, and all my stuff is still here, albeit, mostly packed. I do need to get some more boxes to get my dishes and such packed away.

We're trying to stay friends. This makes me happy.

Ugh... Moving. My life in storage, and couch surfing where I can. [Sigh] Yuck-a-fuck-a-do......

.......I still have to strip down the computer desk as well. I feel like I'm hesitating to break it all down... Because I know how much work it entails..... Gotta go. The sun is not shining again.... And now it's below freezing. A very gloomy, cold, grey, stress-filled Sunday afternoon. Talk soon.

January 30th
Good morning. It's cold out there, but the sun is FINALLY shining! Welcome to the beginning of a new week. In the next couple of days I'll be able to purchase more medication, and hopefully get my health back on track.

I'm still at the apartment. Over 90% of my things are ready to go, and the only stuff left to pack are the dishes and glasses in the kitchen. Yesterday was spent sorting and taking things apart. I'll admit, I bawled like a baby when I took apart my computer desk. This really does hurt.

I'm worried. While the average person is naturally resistant to change and nearly most people don't like moving, I know that no one enjoys packing their belongings to put in storage so that they can cast themselves out into the world to couch-surf for a month. When you factor in my health issues, I'm nervous as to how I'm going to be able to function for the next 30 days!

I have to do this. I've spoken with you-know-who about trying to have one more try at our ability to live together as a couple, but we both agree there are simply too many differences. It's not a change of heart, Dear Diary, but rather an acknowledgment of the length of time spent together and the investment of both emotions and personal finances. I'm not a fan of throwing things away, and I owed myself at least one more chance to talk. In the end, we realize that we are very special to each other, but due to the problems we cannot seem to shake, it would be better to live apart. Our issues are affecting friends, as well as, family. We've approached this with calmness and respect.

Anyway, I'm sitting at my computer desk that is in three pieces. It feels surreal to wake up to a living room full of my packed things, and to only see a laptop sitting at a desk that's been taken apart for ease of transport. Ugh.

I'm not going to be able to move my things for a couple of days. Once again I am reliant on other people to assist me. That part sucks, but I can rest easy in knowing that I do have good friends like Diane who is willing to help me in such an occasion. Thank God for her!

Well, I am being allowed to remain here for at least today, and don't have to go anywhere. My plan for today is to write and help my mind work out a few things. I imagine a phone call or two is in order. I should run down to the closest grocery store and see if I can get some boxes... We'll see how I feel.

Have a great week, and remember that when life body-checks you into the rink wall, tuck your chin, keep your stick on the ice, and focus on the puck.

February 1st
Whoa! It's February already? Why does it seem like January took so long, but in retrospect feels like 2017 is skipping along quickly? Oh.. right... Because I am focused on so many things in my life that time moves quickly, but it's Winter-time and I'm stuck indoors.

There's a really strange thing in the living room this morning. It's bright and warm, and I think it's coming from the window.... Wait... Nevermind... Just the sun. After almost two weeks of abysmal-grey the golden rays took me by shock. Feels nice... Hope it lasts!

Hold the phone... Isn't tomorrow "Ground Hog Day"? This stupid Winter thing could be over soon if the weather pattern of greyish gloom sticks around. Lord help us if Winter decides to rear its ugly head after all this time.

So, just a head's up as to my whereabouts. I'm still staying at the apartment. Most of my belongings are packed, the computer desk is torn down, and I'm living out of a suitcase. I HATE living out of a suitcase! Like, .... [Sighs] You can't keep track of where things are, and your clothing gets wrinkled regardless of your best intentions.

And, to top it all off I lost my glasses yesterday.

I had an appointment on Highbury, so rather than take the bus, I chose to walk. Probably do me good, right? Well, since I had already forced myself to not eat much the day before so I could leave the house with no issues, I figured it wouldn't matter to walk. [Shrugs] That in itself isn't the issue, and I like to walk or bike when I can. The problem, Dear Diary, was that I stupidly placed my glasses in the front of my backpack... A pouch that contains no zipper, and relies on gravity to keep the contents in. I have retraced my steps to try and find the glasses, but I'm certain it fell out during one of the times I jogged across the cross-walk...

.....[Shakes his head] Call me whatever names you will, but I personally think it's ludicrous how city designers all over the country make pedestrians a side-thought at intersections. Think about it... At normal intersections the pedestrian cross-walk pops up allowing foot traffic to proceed. What this does is give the pedestrians a timed window of opportunity to cross, but it puts them in the path of traffic wanting to turn. As the cars and trucks slowly roll forward to indicate their displeasure at being forced to sit in traffic because of "a stupid pedestrian", they use their air-conditioned weapon to threaten and intimidate foot traffic. Some honk to voice their frustration. Some drivers will dart between people in the cross-walks. It's scary! Now, let's look at the other kind of high-traffic intersections where the pedestrian is forced to hit a button to request to the computer that the "Walk Symbol" is included in the next green light. Some of these lights can be up to 5 minutes long, and as the vehicles zip around in comfort, they force the foot traffic to endure longer cycles than motor vehicles! A normal cycle in this case allows for left-turning vehicles to go first, THEN the pedestrians get a tiny window of opportunity, still forced to walk in the face of road-raging drivers.

Oh. My. God! I cannot wait for driver-less vehicles!

Get those (bad word) humans out of the equation! Nothing but a bundle of bad emotions cruising around behind the wheel believing they are operating in a vacuum. Any deviation or obstacle during the daily commute becomes an excuse for frustration based on a lack of control. (Classic co-dependency behaviour) Road rage is scary, and when you factor in all the other things drivers do EXCEPT drive, it creates for a dangerous combination.

Am I sounding petty or bitter? Or just being realistic? [Chuckles] Yea, I do use alarming words to describe things, but that's just the way I am. Having been hit 15 times so far by careless motor vehicle operators, I believe I have a good reason to be a little over-dramatic.

Anyway, I lost my glasses during one of the forced sprints across the street, and spent a few hours searching to no avail. [Sighs]

As I said, Dear Diary, I am now living out of a suitcase. My entire life has been turned upside down, and I can't do some of the things I enjoy, like play Mechwarrior, or use two computers at a time. It slows me down big time.

Well, I have lots to do, and today should be a busy day. I'll talk to you later.

February 2nd - 4 AM
I wish I could blame the fact that I'm awake due to health issues. Nope! I'm awake because You-know-who has decided to invite a friend over. It started out so fun with a couple of drinks, but then midnight hit.....Time for bed, right? Not to this chick! Nope....It's full blown party...

...Yup.   I lost my shit. THIS is the reason why....... [Sighs heavily] Fuck it......  Seriously...Fuck it! This individual cannot see reason nor logic, and it's driving me fucking nuts!

Not sure what's going to happen, but let's hope it doesn't involve cops.

I need to get my shit out of here!

February 2nd - 3 PM
Wow! Just reread my last entry. Guess I was pretty pissed off, eh? Sorry about the swearing, but you need to understand, Dear Diary, how frustrated I am. I'm told one thing, and then on an impulse it's all swept under the rug.

I was told I would be afforded a safe place to store my things until I found a more permanent place, as well as, a couch to crash on if needed. Just because we broke up wasn't supposed to mean the end of a relationship with her. I mean, we have almost two years of some pretty good times, plus we have our Dungeon and Dragon friends. And, you have to understand how generous and warm this woman can be.... At times.... Anyway, she made a few promises, and by the time her kidlet had woke up to go to school, she had given me an ultimatum to leave laced with threats.

I'm told to get my shit ready to move and then leave the apartment. Not sure where exactly this woman thinks I'm going to go, but I feel pretty used. I moved out of a decent place last Summer, and now I'm back to being homeless again.

I have friends in London, but most are so busy with their lives and families that I would be a third wheel and a burden. I know I'm not easy to deal with because of my health... And because I have a higher level of personal standards for cleanliness and order than most people, and that has been problematic more than once. Anyway, I can't really expect anyone to just fling pen their doors and invite me in.

So, not sure what's going to happen. I guess we'll see. I'm exhausted, having only slept in two bouts that can only be described as an attempt at a nap, not a actual REM sleep cycle. My health is poor, and I'm quite nervous. I'm alone for the moment, but that can change anytime..... And I'm not sure what's going to happen after that.

Talk soon.

February 3rd
Good morning, Dear Diary. The forecast for today is a continued cold front laced with heavy sarcasm. The weather outside is about the same, minus the sarcasm, and we have yet another day the sun refuses to shine. It's windy, snowy, and cold. I'm still at the apartment, but today is the last day.

The plan for tomorrow is to have a bit of a moving crew tackle everything and put it in Diane's basement for safe storage.

I had something really interesting happen, and being a strong believer in the fact that nothing in life happens by chance, it struck me exceptionally interesting that a phone call from Max Agency might have just influenced my next big move.

Let's start at the beginning. You know quite well that my relationship is going downhill fast. Any attempts to play nice seem to be quickly evaporating, and you can almost cut the stress in the room with a butter knife. This is all due to a continued pattern of small incidents leading up to exceptional levels of stress in the home. It wasn't always this way, however, and  I originally entered into this relationship openly and embraced the chance to have a family believing that this was THE ONE. I had my own place; a small bedroom with shared accommodations, but always wanted more in the way of love and a family. This was also my first major relationship since I moved to Southern Ontario, insomuch, it was special to me. There was so much riding on my choice to join her family, that I went out of my way to put my best foot forward in all matters. Like Columbus who burned his ships to inspire the settlers to not think of going back, I burned bridges to ensure that I looked at my relationship as an end-game strategy. I placed all my eggs in a basket, and in doing so made it difficult for myself to break away from my new family...... Now that I am being forced back on my own, the road suddenly seemed unclear. My choices for the future include staying in London or finding another place to call home..... And then I get a call from the President of my talent agency telling me that people are interested in my look and I could be doing work as an extra on TV shows to start. The main reason I haven't been doing any free work is travel expenses; to go from London to Toronto is expensive, and I've only been accepting auditions that might lead to financial compensation big enough to warrant the travel expenses. Long story short? I've been doing very little in the way of chasing my dreams as an actor due to where I live......

.....London.... Great city, and I have made it my home for almost two years. With lots of friends, and things to do and enjoy, London has become special to me. But! Here I am homeless, and suddenly the Universe is telling me that this might be the opportunity I've been speaking about. Staying in London has great benefits, but can you imagine if I pushed forward into a location where I could jump on a subway or the GoTrain at a moment's notice? It would be life-changing.

So, my options to move suddenly became a little more comprehensive. I've got quite a bit of research to do, as well as, some soul-seeking. Do I stay here in London? Or do I move closer to Toronto?

Maybe it was fate calling at a moment I would be most attentive. To understand what I mean by this statement, think about this part of the equation.... What would have happened if this news had come a month ago? Or what if my agent had told me a year ago that I should be closer to take advantage of opportunities to chase my dreams? The fact remains, had this happened at another time I might have been dismissive, believing that my relationship was more important, or that my role in all the extra stuff I was doing (Like Amtgard) outweighed the cost of throwing everything away to chase after something that may never happen. The fact remains, this came at exactly the right time, and I need to be attentive to my desires and needs, as well as, the Universe's voice guiding me.

Have you ever heard of the Mayan mysteries of understanding the Universe? I've read a couple of books on the topic, and the very first step an individual needs to take in order to find enlightenment, is to realize that nothing in life happens by chance. Once you get that step mastered you can advance to step two, which teaches you how to  recognize these quiet innuendos, and being able to use them to your advantage.

So, from what I know, the Universe has sent a subtle message to me at a time when life is uncertain. By doing so, it has shown me a path that I can choose to take or ignore. For that reason I am going to give serious thought and research into finding a new place to live.....

....well, I'm pretty emotionally shook up right now, and my health is reflective of the stress levels in my life. I have a couple of more things to do in the way of packing, and then that's it. I wait for Diane to show up with her van, and my life is irrevocably changed forever.

Guess we'll talk soon.

February 6th
With no where to turn, I ended up at the Salvation Army - Center of Hope, in London, Ontario.

Didn't think I would end up homeless again. Two years ago I was made homeless three times in a month and a half, and when I left Fort Frances on that cold Spring day I assumed things wouldn't go backwards. In that, I was wrong. The day I carried the last of my belongings out of the apartment was the day I became homeless again.

I handing over my keys on the last trip, and when I walked out of the apartment building I turned around and watched the door close behind me. The solid metallic click as the door latched sounded like a gong.

We took all my things to Diane's house and stored them neatly in her basement, and then I hit the streets.

Hello, Dear Diary. I'm at the Library downtown and using their computers to make this entry. Mine are half a city away, boxed up with the rest of my life.

Well, I should go do something. Sitting here is boring, since I can't really do much on this computer. Cya later.

February 7th
In just a few short days I went from having a family and daily routine, to being single and having my entire life dumped on its head. Looking back I wonder if anything could have been done to prevent this, but I honestly believe that no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't have mattered. When it comes to relationships the only thing you can control is you.

It could be a truism to say that some of my effort to "fix things" possibly made things worse. Many of the issues that caused the downfall of my relationship and subsequent break-up were caused by me trying to make changes in the household I believed were necessary.

Good morning, Dear Diary. I woke up this morning, made my way down to the mess-hall and had coffee, then I went across the street to self-medicate in a sunny patch at the bus stop.

I'm still learning the rules of the institution. Wake-up is at 7:30 AM. Medication (My pills - Yes, they took my medications and hand them to me like a patient in an insane asylum) is between 9 and 12. The rooms are locked between 9 AM and 4 PM, so anything you want from the room has to be taken with you for the day. The exterior doors lock at 11 PM, and if you don't sign for your room each morning before 11 AM you lose it.

It feels like I'm jail because of the smells and sounds. It feels like I'm back in basic training in the military with all the expectations on having to plan out each day and the routines. It's about one step away from an insane asylum, and two steps from prison. Make no doubt about it, Dear Diary, I am booked into an institution with all the rules and regulations of any organized institution that handles the less-fortunate of society.

February 9th
So, my roommate doesn't shower.... Ever.... But at least he's not licking the walls like the guy a couple doors down. [Chuckles] Not sure what what he thought he was doing, but he was giving that wall some serious tongue action. Oh, and then there's MR. Snap-Crackle-Pop on the elevator with tourettes syndrome. Don't misunderstand me, Dear Diary, I am in the same boat as these guys, I just happened to make different choices in life is all.

Everyone has a story in this place. You can almost see the demons some of them wrestle with as they contort and squirm in their chairs, talking to someone no one else can see. Then there's people like me, who have for no fault of their own have ended up on a momentary rough patch in life. Everyone has a story, and when I point out such examples I am not mocking anyone, but merely pointing out the conditions of my living arrangements at this moment.

A few of them hold out their hands and beg for change. Little do they realize I'm in the same boat, wishing I had enough money to buy something nice to eat of my choosing, or even a hot cup of coffee to help warm up. In reality, Dear Diary, I am no different than any of these people. I'm no better, nor am I any lesser. We are all equals in God's eyes.

Freaking cold today compared to the weather we've been getting. I'm really not used to this.

Anywho, I'm heading back to visit Cara at her request. I realized I forgot my professional butcher knife set back there, and I need to do some laundry. It's probably going to be stressful, but this needs to be done.

Talk soon.

February 10th
There's this one guy at the Sally-Anne who looks just like Jesus. Long hair, grey robes (I think it's a trench coat decked out to look more flowing than normal) and the whole works. He seems like a nice guy, but this morning at breakfast he started yelling......

......not sure what his pudding cup did that irritated Jesus so much, but he started getting mad at his breakfast. Everyone just looks up and gives their head a sad shake and goes about eating. Poor Jesus! And a curse upon that naughty pudding cup!

Not much time for writing today as I have an emergency Doctor appointment.

I have filed a request for public housing. Due to the fact that I am under Salvation Army's care, I am being fast-tracked through the system. With this Doctor's form to highlight my health issues, I will be fast-tracked even more. [Crosses his fingers] Let's hope it works, eh?

It means an apartment o my own. A place to call mine, and do whatever I want. [Sighs] Sounds so good, doesn't it?

Keep warm!

February 11th
Well, that was one of the most quietest Friday nights I've spent in a while. I was in bed by 9:30 PM. Damned curfew! I'd like to be able to go out and do something, but when you have to watch the time and leave early, what's the point of going out?

My roommate had a fight with the cement wall last night. The wall won. The punch he threw didn't faze the wall much, and when he tried to headbutt the (explicit) wall, the wall barely felt it. My roommate did, and the final blow nearly dropped him to his knees. Cursing the wall, he went to the bathroom and I didn't see him until much later.

I have to go out of my way and give a big thank you to the staff at the Salvation Army - Center of Hope. These people are some of the most patient and caring professionals I have ever met. The service they provide is invaluable! Having to experience this first hand has really opened my eyes to the downtrodden of society.

We get snacks before bed. Yay for pudding! (No worries, I didn't have to yell at mine)

Once again I'm reminded how it feels like two steps away from jail and one step removed from an asylum.

I'm playing tons of "Pokemon Go" to pass the time. This also means I'm walking lots. That's good, I guess.

I had to laugh at a situation that occurred this morning. One of the women from floor 3 was complaining that her alarm clock hit her on the head and woke her up. Now, you know that I sometimes have problems keeping my mouth shut, and I happened to blurt out, "You need to get a new one that only beeps to wake you up, not hit you in the head". Well, apparently no one else thought it was funny. What can you do right? Turns out they thought I was serious.

ARGH! I miss my computers!!

I'm whiling away the time by cleaning. I make my bed like it's the military and spend hours just sorting and resorting the few items I carry with me. It feels like I'm in limbo. I also miss my bong big time! Oh, to be able to have one nice hit of medication rather than puff on hot smoke coming from my pipe. I do know one things for certain.....

.......my bed would NOT pass inspection due to the wrinkles in the sheets.

I gotta go. Turns out one session this morning wasn't enough to keep the cramps away for long, and I need to go find a quiet corner to crawl into to medicate.

Have a great weekend.... I won't.

February 14th
Happy Valentine's Day! Who am I kidding? Just another commercialized event based on pagan tradition, more specifically a holiday called Lupercalia that was celebrated by early Romans. Years later, some Pope re-branded the day as a Christian feast, and  the modern world made up the rest. Now it's just another cash grab, laden with a heavy dose of guilt.

It sucks to be forced to spend oodles of money on one day just to fit into society's expectations, but it's even worse when you have no person to celebrate with. Don't get me wrong, Dear Diary, I enjoy Valentine's Day as much as the next guy, but once again I am forced to spend it alone.

Things seemed to have quieted down at the homeless shelter. Sure, every bed is full, but in the last couple of days the energy level hasn't been as intense as when I first got there. Maybe I'm just getting used to the chaos. I know I'm able to sleep a little more soundly with all the lights and constant noise. At least I have a warm bed and a hot shower.

The employees at the Salvation Army - Center of Hope are extremely patient. Guess you have to be to work in such a place. I imagine they've probably seen just about everything at one point in time, because the place has similar characteristics of a jail, but it's a jail in which the inmates are able to come and go as they please during the day, and bringing God-knows-what back into the building with them. I was worried at first, thinking that the moment they search me they'll find my medication, but they don't conduct searches. I'm told they can if they like, but chose not to. I know I couldn't do their job!

It's sunny this morning. The temperatures are hovering around the freezing mark. It certainly makes a big difference in people's moods when the sun shines. I know because I watch people, and just like other certainties in life such as extra staffing in the loony bin when there's a full moon, a bright sunny day can lift people's spirits in a way that cannot be adequately described.

I'm not allowed to take pictures inside the institution. I understand why, but I thought I should let you know why I'm not posting any relevant pictures at this time.

Being that it is the big V-Day, I would like to take the time to say a big thank you to a few people and share a bit of love. Thank you, mom, for everything you've done. I love you! I want to wish Diane a Happy Valentine's Day, and I'm sending a big hug your way for everything you do for me! To my children and family back in North-Western Ontario, I love you all so very much and miss you terribly! And last but certainly not least, to all my loyal and devoted Zzorhnamaniacs.... Thank you so much for helping me make my dreams come true.

Hope every has a great day!


February 15th
It's snowing like someone shook a snow globe. Giant big flakes are falling in what would be a picturesque greeting card. Good morning, Dear Diary. I'm at the Library downtown again, my only real connection to the Interweb at the present moment.

Nothing real to report; I'm still playing the waiting game for proper housing, and I have no idea how long that might take. My days are spent wandering around town in locations with a bathroom readly available. Thing is, they kick everyone out of the Salvation Army at 9 am every day, and I would rather hang around one of the malls, like "CityPlaza" that houses London's biggest Library. (With access to computers) I only get two hours a day to use the computers, but it's enough I guess.

Things are fairly decent at the mission, but it houses individuals who have seen some serious rough times, and many of them are addicted to one drug or another. Every-time I go to the bathroom there's someone sniffing something or injecting some sort of chemical. It happens, even though there are warnings all over the place claiming that drugs and paraphernalia are not allowed on the premises. Lord help me if they ever search me, because I'm packing both medication and the pipe to smoke it with. Remember I told you I didn't hand in my medical marijuana? Well, would you? I mean, what are they going to do? Hand me a little bit each day? Find me a place for me to take my medication in private without disturbing the other inhabitants? Not a chance.... It would be problematic, and I personally believe that silence is the best course of action in this matter.

Still playing "Pokemon Go", but I found another game I really like recently called "Clash of Clans". Build a little village and train some troops to go out and fight other players, or challenge the Artificial Intelligence (AI) missions the game offers. Pretty fun, but then again I've always enjoyed games like "Simcity" and the old "Warcraft". Actually, it's quite a bit like "Warcraft II" if I had to pick one game it resembles the most. Anyway, it's one way to pass the time.

I missed breakfast today. Didn't sleep very well last night, and because of that I slept in and didn't have time to go to the cafeteria.

I have a sinus cold. This is the second day, and although I was feeling much better last night I awoke to a stuffy nose and congestion, and my eyes even feel itchy. Hope this blows over soon. My immune system is usually pretty good, but living in such close quarters with people who don't have the foresight to not spread germs creates a situation rife with a chance to catch something. Every-time I grab a door-handle or touch a table I'm exposing myself to a multitude of bacteria and germs. Heck! We had to strip our beds this morning so the staff can do a routine check for bedbugs! This is the conditions in which I live, and I should have realized I might get hit with some cold or flue in such conditions. I'll have to be more conscientious from now on. (Don't touch my face, and wash my hands more often)

Well, I have to go find a bathroom. Guess I'll end today's entry here. Hope you have a great day, and try to stay warm.

March 3rd
Good morning, Dear Diary. I realize that over two weeks have passed since I last made any entries. Please forgive me, but it was a culmination of not having access to a computer coupled with a reluctance to admit the truth of my whereabouts....

.....I'm back at Cara's.

There are many individuals that are making claims to the fact I'm using Cara in some capacity. To those jaded people I point out that there was other options available, and yet, I made a choice to work things out with a woman I had been dating for almost two years. It's also important to point out that while I may have been vindicated in my choices based on my reality, I am also partly to blame for the problems in our relationship.

There was no possible way for me to properly convey how I can cause issues in a relationship without writing it all down. So, I made a conscientious effort  to formulate the character traits I possess that are viewed as negative or can be problematic, and then wrote an open letter for the whole world to see.

You can read the open letter entitled, "To whom it may concern", by clicking on the link.

So here I am. I left this apartment with the intention of moving on, but then I came to the realization that I am throwing up my hands and giving up on my family. During all this, however, I was making a strenuous effort to make a life on my own. I filed an application for housing in London, only to get denied due to a debt from back in Fort Frances that I didn't know about. This stone-wall did leave me in a bad spot, as I realized at that moment I would not be getting a place on my own, and would be forced to live with roommates like I did a year ago.

It's important to note that even if I did have my own place, it was for the intention of making it a place where I could work and play, as well as, finally fulfill my desire to get an iguana. A place to call my own. An art studio where I could make videos and write. A place where I could be expressive.

When I found out that I was going to be forced to seek legal council to deal with this obvious mistake, I had to re-examine my game plan. It was during that time that Cara and I started talking.... Like, really talking. Not the "I love you" parts that bury the truth and aim to sugar coat the relationship, but important issues like pointing out out flaws and strengths. It's safe to say that the Honeymoon Stage is quite over, so at this point it's actual love between us, not some fancy notion of what might be. With the realization that it would take months to properly sort out everything, coupled with the fact that both Cara and I still wanted to make a life with each other, I made the choice to go back.

There are ground rules this time. I am not allowed to lose my shit and yell like I have in the past. I won't discuss the expectations I have for her, as I believe she would like to keep that a private matter, however, it's important to note that so far things are doing much, much better. One day at a time, right?

My stuff is still in storage at Diane's house. Not sure how or when I'll be able to get my belongings. So far I'm living out of a suitcase, but at least I now have my laptop. At the moment I'm sitting at the kitchen table as I write. Not exactly conducive for writing, but it's a start. I guess I have no one to blame in this but me, because it was my choice to leave in the first place.

One of the agreements that was reached between Cara and I during that time, was allowing me to realize one of my dreams..... Cara decided to allow me to get an iguana! Like, wow! This has always been a point of contention between the two of us, and suddenly the ban on lizards in the house has been lifted.

On the matter of Cara allowing me to get an iguana, the naysayers immediately turned around and questioned her motives. Not kidding... The moment I started telling a few friends that I was going to get an iggy, they were sudden skeptical of Cara's intentions. Was she doing this just to get me back? Was her choice done with the knowledge that if I owned an iguana I would have to provide a stable home? These questions and more were asked when I made that announcement, and it bothered me to think that there might be ulterior motives behind this choice. Regardless of what the underlying reasons might be, I know that Cara will not take back a promise she makes. Her promise to purchase a pet I've dreamt of owning was her choice to make, and it wasn't done as a compromise or blackmail. As per Cara's personality, it was a genuine promise....

.....and she kept it. Cara went online and researched everything she could get her hands on in respect to owning an iguana. She discovered things about them I didn't even realize, even though I had raised one to full adulthood almost a decade ago. We looked at pet stores in London, and even checked out what it takes to import one. From exotics iguanas, to lighting and food, she undertook the project with enthusiasm, while at the same time expressing her reluctance quite frequently. Our first option was to import an iggy to one of the local pet stores, but when when we factored in the cost of building an enclosure and purchasing all the lighting brand new, the cost was nearly double the amount she had thought of spending. Then, she went online.....

........the announcement that we were getting two iguanas, and not one like we had agreed on, was quite a shock. The deal came with it's own ready-made enclosure and two teenage iguanas. It was in the price range Cara had considered, and the idea of having everything ready to go was appealing to both of us. So.................. The deal was made, and we proudly brought our new scale-babies home.

I plan on writing an entire article to detail the experience. It hasn't been all fun and games, and with the ownership of two iguanas comes the responsibilities. I'll post the link for that article once finished. Pictures are certain to follow.

One of these days I should get back to some of the other projects I've been working on. One day.....

.....should jet. Lots to do, and now I have to iguanas to look after. Talk soon.

March 4th
Woke up groggy from my medication to a messy house with animals who want baths and food. In a way, having animals dependent on me is a driving force to be stable. By being responsible I am bettered as an individual.

The sun is shining, but there's a skiff of snow on the ground and it's below freezing. We had a few really nice days last week with temperatures in the double digits, but all that nice weather has been pushed away by the "Lake effect" caused by the Great Lakes. Winter sucks... But at least there's a bright patch of sun in the house for the iggys to bask in.

Not sure what I'm up to today, but I should do some writing. Hope you have a great weekend!

March 6th
Good morning. It's another gloomy day with heavy overcast skies. Welcome to yet another week.

I had a decent weekend. I went out with my bestie, Diane, and it was a chance to share and catch up on each other's life. We also did some planning for the Canadian Harvard Aircraft Association, or CHAA. On Sunday, Cara and I had a few friends over for a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

The iguanas are starting to look better. I'm still working on the full story detailing the choices we made, and the journey to our home. Once done, I'll be posting the link for everyone to read. The fact is, we got two sick iguanas and are nursing them back to health. Regardless, it brings me great joy to work with an iguana again, and right now we are learning how to adapt to having two new family members.

The plan for today is laundry and tidying up the house. I want to work on my iggy story, and perhaps get that finished. I'm not feeling too bad today. so we'll see what happens. I won't be going outside for anything if I have to, choosing to stay inside where it's warm. Well, hope you have a good one. Talk soon.

March 7th
Good morning, Dear Diary. Yet. Another. Gloomy. Day.

I'm growing weary of the perpetual cloud. It's like the cloud cover simply won't go away. Weather like this wears on everyone's soul.

I'm doing better in the way I conduct myself in the home. Remember when I said things were stressful? Well, regardless of what happens I need to remind myself to just shrug it off and not get worked up about it. Turns out it works... Well, sort of..  Nothing gets done, but at least I'm not losing my cool.

Speaking of, I have to clean the house today.

The iggy's are doing better. Hephestusamazilion is growing fatter, and Konika is not hissing and snapping as much..... I'm nearly done the story about them, but I'm not able to write as well as I can due to being set up at the kitchen table. [Shrugs] Call me spoiled, but I like my keyboard at a certain height. That's one of the reasons I'm having a hard time writing.

Not feeling good this morning. I've tried to medicate, but it looks like it's going to be a day of bloating and internal bleeding. [Sighs] Sucks so much!

Well, Lots to do, I guess. Should get my butt in gear.... Have a great day!

March 8th
Didn't get any writing done yesterday. Instead, once I was feeling better I tackled the kidlet's room. Good morning, Dear Diary, hope you are well. It's already the middle of the week, but with the exception of cleaning I'm not getting much done. I suppose it's because I'm set up at the dining room table, and that means I'm in the middle of the room, subjected to any and all distractions.

I know that the two iguanas were a package deal, but now that they are getting back to health they are becoming territorial. I'm told that they originally spent months together in the wood-and-glass enclosure, which was probably made possible because they not only suffered from Metabolic Bone Disorder, PLUS lizard mites. All this would have left them sick, and from broken toes to a disfigured spine, both of them were left weakened.  This was because of a lack of calcium and little to no exposure of sunlight.

Other names for MBD include Fibrous Osteodystrophy and Secondary Nutritional Hyperparathyroidism. The bad news is that MBD is the most common ailment seen in pet iguanas. ...MBD is ultimately a calcium deficiency.

If you're going to get pets, PLEASE take care of them!

I'm happy to say that both iguanas are springing back to life quite nicely. This is due to efforts to ensure they are getting the right food, proper basking temperatures, daily bathing, access to UVA / UVB lighting, as well as, constant cleaning of their enclosure complete with anti-bacterial baths to get rid of the infections from untreated injuries and mite bites. It's quite a bit of work, just saying.

Don't get me wrong, Dear Diary, it's not like you have to constantly watch an iguana and are incapable of leaving the house. The morning routine takes about a half hour, and that includes cleaning and bathing. Like anything else in life, the more effort you put into something, the greater the reward. Being who I am, I tend to overdo everything. So it's safe to say, you don't necessarily need to be as thorough as I am.... But, you could......

.....well, I should go and get busy. I really need to get that iguana article finished. Sorry for procrastination so long.

Hope you have a great day.!

March 10th
Good morning, Dear Diary. Hope you are managing to stay warm. The sun is shining this morning, but it's frigid cold outside. Apparently it's not going to warm up, either. By this afternoon the clouds are going to roll in, blanketing the city in more perpetual cold and grey, as well as, dumping more unwanted snow.

Winter can go away any time now! Bring on Spring, sun and heat.

In the space of 5 minutes, the clouds have rolled in. I'm now looking out the window at the rest of the weekend's weather. Cold, lots of wind, and snow. [Sighs heavily]

I finished the iguana article. While I make mention of a couple of tips and tricks to help raise these misunderstood lizards, most of the article details the journey Cara and I undertook to obtain them. My plan is to keep updating the article as things progress. I'm pleased to announce that both iguanas are doing much better, albeit, Hephestusamazilion is bouncing back much quicker than Konika.

If you want to read "Lizard Lamentations", click here.

It's Friday today. I don't really have that much planned. My goals for today are to get over this rolling, bloating, cramping sensation, and after that I might work with the iggys a bit. Cara is home as well for most of the day, so I should do something with her. When I think back to the projects I'm working on, there are four...... The Yule Story, The futuristic diary of the last survivor aboard a research station orbiting the moon, The survival story of the father and his two children in the remote regions of Canada entitled The White Wolf, and the one I really want to work on someday is the sequal to "Once Bitten" where the children are the focus of the story.

So, lots to do.

The plan for today is to go over to Diane's house and load up a trailer with all my stuff. She has been storing my belongings in her basement for over a month. The plan is to move everything in one trip back to the apartment.....

......I want to do this, Dear Diary, but I am worried. After all, we've done this a couple of times already, and it keeps leading back to the same ending. As Einstein famously stated, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results". Is this time going to be different? How is it going to be different? I can answer the last one, because it's the reason why I agreed to come back in the first place; we have agreed to work on our personal co-dependencies in a combined effort to better our family. Basically, I ensure I don't resort to negativity, and in return the other members of the household will conduct themselves accordingly. Will it work? I hope so. After all, this IS my family. We're going to be celebrating our second anniversary this Summer, and in that time of living and loving each other we have become family. Anyway, I just hope we have learned from our mistakes and can work through any problems we have.

I found an exceptional link for feeding iguanas from the Green Iguana Society. "Food Chart"

I should go. I'll keep you posted as to how the move goes, but since I'm staying at the Lawrence's house tonight I won't be able to post. The plan for tomorrow is to move my stuff in the morning, and in the afternoon, to role play with friends as they go on another Dungeons and Dragons adventure. So, hope you have a great weekend, and I'll see you on Sunday.

March 12th

Hello, Dear Diary. It's Sunday, but more specifically, it's the day that "Daylight Saving Time" is introduced for the year. Which means I just lost an hour that I won't get back until Fall. So weird when you think about it. An old Native legend about the introduction of such a concept of taking away an hour in the Spring and adding it back in the Fall, can be summed up by stating, "Only European Culture would believe that if you cut off a foot from one end of a blanket and sew it on the other, the blanket gets bigger".

NB: The meme above is taken from "The Princess Bride" - Torture Scene

Moving on..... Last night's Dungeons and Dragon's game was exceptional. I am really "Fleshing" out the world in which they live, and it really added depth to our adventure yesterday. The Players are attempting to traverse a large portion of the planet to go off in search for an artifact currently being held by the "Goblin King" [Cue David Bowie - Wait.. He died last year (Sigh)] Anyway, they developed some unique methods of transportation and quite wittily foiled my attempts to keep them stagnated in their search. Fact is, the PC's blasted through each and every trick, trap, and foe yesterday, with exceptional ease....

.......the owness is on me to give them a challenge, which I intend to do next game.......

.....They are entering the major goblinoid city on the Eastern side of the planet. That's the equivalent of marching into real-life London, Ontario, and getting into a fight in every single room in the city! Knowing my players they won't necessarily sneak in either, but probably walk up to the gates and start making demands..... One of these days their bluster and prowess will be put to the test.

Oh. I didn't do any moving this weekend. My belongings are still over at the Lawrence house. Why? Well, when I announced my plans to stay over on Friday night so I could pack, Cara decided that she was going to go out to spend time with friends and not be home to take care of all the animals. Someone needs to shut off the heat lamps (Until we get a timer that does it for us), and the fact is the iguanas are constantly fighting with each other. Between the cats and lizards, our houseplants are getting destroyed. The day before it was an iguana that dumped over a large flower pot. The day after that, it was cats shredding a whole planter of young sprouts. So, until we can put the plants outside, get another proper basking spot for Cara's iguana, and get some timers for the lighting system so it turns on and off by itself, someone needs to be at home to play zoo-keeper. So, with no one at home to watch the house, I was forced to cancel my plans. Just so we're clear, let me re-state this; I made plans, and because I had made plans Cara needed to make plans to leave the house. Because she chose to leave the house, I couldn't proceed with my plans. In the end, we both wound up at home by 10 pm for some stupid reason, and nothing of value got accomplished. It sounds so dumb to me, but as I stated about  my co-dependency I can only control my own actions and not those around me. I wish sometimes I could just bark orders and people listen, because that would be oh so much simpler, and we could get so much more accomplished. Oh well, another week of living out of a suitcase..... [Sighs]

........So, what's on tap for today? I don't have my other computer, so I can't work on Dungeon and Dragons using the CD-ROM "Core Rules". Guess I'll have to keep doing things the old fashioned way. I'm still sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop, but I suppose that's my fault; I could have just went and got my stuff on Friday night, and said "Fuck it" to the animals under my care, leaving heat bulbs burning away with no one attending them. Maybe I'm wrong in my decision-making process, because it's sometimes hard to see things for what they really are when it's right in your face. In those cases I go with my gut-reaction...... And I felt frustrated that things I deem important are being marginalized either out of spite or ignorance.

Anyway, I'm out of medication and it's ONLY the 12th of March. I expect I'll be in the Hospital by the end of the month if nothing changes. Fuck! Well, gotta go...... Talk later.

March 13th
Well, fuck me Monday..... Way to start my week. From rolling pain in my abdomen, to being chastised for bullshit reasons first thing and before I had a lick of coffee, I am in a pissy mood.

March break for the kids. The weather is garbage, which means all the kidlets are stuck indoors.

Woke up groggy from not being able to sleep. I kept waking up all night due to bathroom breaks, and hot and cold sweats. No, I don't have a virus or cold..... This is what happens when I cannot control my pain.

It's not even the middle of the month yet. This isn't good!

Just finished watching CBC - The National. Like every morning I watched the news while I do my morning routine. This episode featured a "Sunday Talk" discussion on Marijuana reform, and the broken promises of the Liberal government under the leadership of Justin Trudeau. Entitled, "The Twilight Zone of Pot", it highlights the failed promises of the Liberal government, and the fact it is dragging its heels on an issue they claimed they were going to fix immediately once elected. A year and a half later people in Canada are still being arrested for marijuana, which in itself is a victim-less crime. Pot shops are being raided, and thousands of thousands of dollars are being stolen by the government's-approved gang - The Ontario Provincial Police. This is hurting Canadians in so many ways, that I am embarrassed to have voted for this piece of shit! I've lost all respect for the current Prime Minister, and I hope he gets the boot soon! Shame on him and the rest of the government for this fiasco! It is my sincere wish, that anyone who has ever had a hand in the failed "War on Drugs", is stricken with one of the many diseases that pot cures or helps manage pain!

Can you tell I'm out of medication? 

By 7 PM last night I started having to go to the bathroom every hour or so. When I went to bed, the cramps and sensations kept waking me. I'm exhausted, and in a very foul mood. I keep thinking about all that medication sitting in Police storage, and I want to cry.

I started working on my newest adventure in Dungeons and Dragons. Not only that, but I am really fleshing out the world in which the players live, something I can use for the rest of my life. It's quite a bit of work! Now I know why box-set campaigns cost so much.

Not sure what I'm going to do this week. It's March Break for the kids, so that means every day this week is going to be complicated to get any work done. I'll be cleaning the house constantly, and not able to concentrate or be creative. Basically, I expect this week to be a waste of time, one where I'm certain to end up in the Hospital due to lack of medication.

Hope your week is better than mine.

March 14th
Hello, Dear Diary. It's Tuesday, and this marks yet another overcast, cold day. The weather seems to be reflecting my mood; even when I'm happy there's a cloud that casts a shadow over everything.

To make along story short, I'm packing because once again I'm being told to "Get out".

Why? Well, that's going to take a little longer to explain, but since I promised to not mention names and not to write anything that could be considered liable, I'll simply say this....

.......Chastising someone who is frustrated or stressed out for being frustrated or stressed out, is the sign of a narrow mind.

Seriously. To explain this concept better, I'll use the analogy of a canine in distress. Just imagine a dog howling or yelling due to some sort of pain or abuse. It has a legitimate reason for barking loudly. Now, for this analogy to work it doesn't matter what the dog's problem is, it's just important to imagine in this hypothetical situation that there is a problem. Now, let's make the reason the dog's howling is because of something you can control. So, what do you do? Attack the dog for screaming in distress? Or figure out what the problem is and fix it?

At our house the dog gets attacked, apparently.

I'll admit right now that I will fight if backed into a corner. I have a pretty decent amount of patience, but once I'm set off I lose my ability to be patient. I believe I've described my co-dependencies quite succinctly in a recent article I wrote, entitled, "To Who It May Concern". If you haven't read it, I suggest you should. In it I explain that I am not as innocent as I always let on, and in a fight there's two sides; AKA me and someone else.

Did you know that fighting or arguing is good for you? Don't laugh, it actually is. Fights occur when the balance is upset, be it whatever reason. When two or more people find themselves at an impasse, the fight that ensues can actually be not only healthy, but expedite a resolution. Think of it this way, if there's a problem and no one says anything, it will continue to present itself. However, the moment someone says something about the problem, it becomes addressed. Science has proven that many people will keep their mouths shut on the average basis, not wanting to disturb things, but the moment someone gets stressed out? [Makes an explosion sound] BOOM! Out comes everything! It's in this release of tension that endorphin's surge through the body, our heart rates increase, and all the stuff we keep bottled up comes spilling out.....

......now before I go further, I want to remind you, Dear Diary, that I'm speaking of "Fair Fighting". Once again, I've already explained this in some detail, although I cannot remember what chapter in my diary I put it. [Shrugs] Fair fighting means there's no name calling, family members are left out of the conversation, and old fights are not allowed to be brought up. Yea... I break those rules on occasion when I fight, but I AM only human.

Anyway, fighting between two individuals is actually a good thing if done correctly.

Alright [Sighs] Back on track... I'm sitting at the table right now penning this entry. Since my stuff is still being stored at the Lawrence house-hold*, I don't have much to pack. I'm waiting for you-know-who to come home and talk before I jump.... But I'm pretty sure this is going to be my last entry at the apartment.

What are we going to do with the iguanas, you ask? I'm so glad you asked! I don't (explicit) know! Not a freaking clue. We got those two animals with the full intent to put our stupid co-dependencies behind us, and yet everything slid back into the ugly norm. I'm so sick and tired of being blamed for everything that I could cry!

Like, some of the things I get accused of are absurd! But, somehow through 6 degrees of separation, it's always my fault. There.... I explained it all without having to use names.

If I stay, shit's gotta change! Not sure what I'm going to do if I actually leave... I have nowhere to go.....

...fuck me if I have to go to a shelter!

MARCH BREAK; I seriously need to go into isolation during this time of the year! From being thrown in jail a couple times, to loss and heartache, it seems like every time March Break comes around the fecal matter hits the proverbial wind turbine. 

Note to self - Start remembering how caustic this time of the year is, and take severe precautions!!

Have a good one.

March 18th
Hello, Dear Diary. I realize it's been a few days since I last wrote, but I don't have access to my computer. I'm using Cara's desktop that's hooked up to the TV.

Yea, I'm at home.

Living out of a suitcase? Nope. I'm living out of a packpack at the moment, with only a few changes of clothes and the rest of my stuff is at Diane's.

What's going on? We're working on issues and trying to make things work. While that might sound futile to someone who believes in no second (fourth, fifth?) chances, I am not the kind of guy to throw things away. Neither is Cara, which is probably why we keep forgiving and moving on.....

.....remember how I said things cannot continue the same way? I wasn't kidding. As of Tuesday I'm going back to counselling to help deal with my problems. Regardless of what my relationship status is, I have sought help before to deal with my health and emotional well-being, which kind of go hand in hand. Being in pain everyday wears on a person, and it affects their temperament. This IS contributory to my mental health and part of the reason Cara and I fight; when I'm in pain my verbal diarrhea kicks in and I grumble.

Well, March Break is over. Time to get back to living.

March 20th
It's officially SPRING!! Well, that's what the calendar says. It's another gloomy day with temperatures hovering around the freezing mark, and it can't decide if it wants to rain or snow. Oh well, I hear that tomorrow is supposed to be 10 degrees above... So, Spring is coming.....

.....good morning, Dear Diary. I'm okish this morning, but I've been up since 5:30 AM with my health problems. Did I tell you I ended up in the Hospital last week? Same old, same old.... Anyway, I didn't sleep well and I'm kinda tired.

Things are good in the house. It obvious we're all trying hard to make things work, and even the kidlet is doing things on purpose to show the effort, which is really all one can ask from a child. Don't get me wrong, Dear Diary, I'm not talking about strained emotions, or "Walking on Eggshells" kind of attitude, but rather, the same effort and attitude attributed to doing something like cooking a favourite meal for your partner and/or anything that brings another family member pleasure or gratitude. This is all coupled with a deep sense of bonding; the three of us know we're family, and we're unconsciously doing "Family stuff" like sharing of ideas, playing little games, etc. So, as I said, life is pretty good in that respect.

I have a Doctor appointment tomorrow, AND a counselling appointment, as well as, a specialist's appointment on the 28th. It never stops.

I'm writing a new article (Yes, on Cara's computer in the middle of the living room) about the realities of life. I've entitled it, "The Way Things Are", but I imagine it will be a couple of days before i get to posting it. Lots of fact checking, and such..... You'll see.

I always think it's funny that the most popular article on my website time-after-time, is the "Jello Shooter Recipes". Every single week it's number two for content read by others.... Right behind my diary.. As in the one your reading. That's always number one on the chart. However, my diary comes in chapters while the Jello shooter recipes is a single article. That's why it racks up three times the amount of hits compared to my diary.

The iguanas are doing much better health-wise. Little Hephestusamazilion is really perking right up and becoming personal, while Konika is doing 200% better! Her health and attitude is vastly changed from all the work Cara does with her...

............Yea, there's something I didn't see coming... Cara's attitude about the lizards...... From doubtful and wanting nothing to do with them, to suddenly taking a massive interest and working with them every day.

Gotta jet. It's hard to sit hunched over to type, so I can only do it in small bursts. I'm really itching to write this next article, because it's something I keep repeating over and over in debates, and it would be nice to have a link to simply post than repeat myself each time. (Like when I was in the CNN debate team - which is actually why I started this blog in the first place)

Have a great week!

March 23rd
Well, shit.... Broadsided again. This time I saw the proverbial cannon-ball coming at me in slow-motion. For those who don't understand what I'm speaking of, I was once again told to "Get out". The reason I'm claim I saw it coming this time around, is because I'm doing counselling, as well as, research on the topic of Sociology, and Co-dependency. More specifically, I'm trying to find ways to deal with my problems, so I'm not a problem to others. Oh! Speaking of research, I wrote down some pointers on the topic for others to read. "The Way Things Are"

I'm trying to better myself. Still. I mean, it's not like this thing ever ends.... Well, it does.... But the end is only a new beginning.... I digress.

THIS time around I explained to "She-who-shall-not-be-named" how I am not simply giving in to her demands to walk out the door. I have NOTHING of real value here anymore (Except my iguana) as everything is still in storage in Diane's basement, but, I'm not going to a shelter because the rent is paid up to the end of the month. Heck! March is on of those months with 31 days in it, meaning there are 8 days still left before April. That's a long time to linger around in a homeless shelter (Which you are not even allowed to do - They kick everyone out each morning so they can clean) So, the plan is to keep my head down and mouth shut.

What's next? Well, I don't want to jinx anything, but rumour has it I might be heading back to the other side of town..... Back to where I was before I moved into this apartment. Anyway, I'll let you know how that pans out, but right now everything is up in the air. Again. [Sigh]

You can cut the stress in the building with a butter knife. Yay.

8 days.......

......I'm going to go find a corner to curl up in for a bit. Talk soon.

P.S. I changed the entire look of the website. Now it's smart phone freindlier, and I like the theme..... But I guess you already know that, because you're here. Oh, well. What do you think? Write to me or text. It's always fun to hear from other people.

March 26th
Hello Sunday. Yet ANOTHER gloomy overcast day with the painful nip of moisture in the air. It's nearing the end of March, which means we should start seeing some Spring-like days. The old adage of "In like a Lion and out like a Lamb" doesn't really apply this year...... Fact remains, the weather this March has been more like, "In like my Ex-wife, with a whole month of bitterness, cold, and sucking the life out of anything that moves". Seriously, I can't wait for this period of my life to go away, so things can get back to heat, healthy living, and a renewal of growth.

Still at the apartment. Each day has the potential to be disastrous, and for that reason I have everything organized near the door in case I need to make a hasty retreat. This isn't what I want, but in anything that involves someone else, the rules of co-dependency apply; I can only control my own actions and no one else. It is a truism that I am more educated in issues of co-dependency than the average person due to the extensive research on co-dependency, "Co-Dependent's Anonymous", session after session of private counselling, and a personal love for Sociology and Psychology. Why people don't take my advice more often is a complete mystery!

People don't like to change. This is what causes personal growth and/or relationships to stagnate.

I'm really worried about moving back to the shared apartment. Not only "How am I going to get my belongings moved", but also "What IF?!"
-What if I have similar problems like I did with my ex-roommate Teresa? I'm told none of the original people that lived there when I did are there anymore, but that means there's a possibility of meeting someone just as miserable to live with as she was, or worse!
-I'm allowed to bring Hephestusamazilion with me. What if there is a problem with one of the roommates because of my lizard's routine?
-What if my lizard's home AKA the cabinet, doesn't fit through the door to my room?!
-What if I get stuck with a room on the North side of the building? No sun? Ugh!
-What if there's a problem getting my scale-baby from the apartment?

So, to make matters worse in the apartment, I accidentally stepped on You-know-who's cell phone and shattered the screen. This has created another situation where I am guilt-tripped at every convenience. I've gone out of my way to allow the use of my phone, and it was a genuine mistake (The phone was on the floor), but now I'm being told that until I replace the phone I cannot have access to my iguana. Like, (Explicit) me! Was that a real threat? Or just another chance to attack me, ladled out with a heavy-helping of guilt? I personally go out of my way to ensure that all my electronic devices are well-taken care of, and when I see items like phones, laptops, and Epads being treated like a library book, I cringe because I know what can happen when you don't..... Like phones and Epads getting stepped on, and laptops overheating and having soldering come loose from being too jostled.

Take care of your electronic devices, and they will take care of you.

Anyway, today is more of the same; keep my head down and my mouth shut as much as possible. It's a waiting game for the end of the month, and until then I am trying to be on my absolute best behaviour. I mean, it's no use trying to offer advice anymore, (Not that it ever seemed to do any good) even though I can see everything much more clearly due to the fact I am on the outside looking in. I know I still care very much, but my ability to show that love and devotion was slowly stripped away from me piece by piece. There is talk of continuing our relationship after I move, with claims that this "Will be better, and we can get back to dating again". Call me old-fashioned, but when you move out because of issues in a relationship, claiming that things will be bettered by living apart is akin to claiming that having a baby will strengthen a relationship between a man and a woman.......

.......it only creates more problems.

My health issues are more of the same; cramping, bloating, and overwhelmed by a constant need to use the washroom. I need medication badly.

At the beginning of this chapter I wrote about being flexible. It's true that a tree with the ability to bend and flex in the ravaging storm will fare much better than one that can't. With the threat of being uprooted, the tree stands to lose more than a few broken branches, regardless of size. In fact, being bigger and thicker can sometimes be the tree's downfall; when the ground can no longer hold the giant root system in the powerful winds it lets go, to the tree's ultimate demise. Whereas, a tree that can flex during the storm will allow that destructive energy to be diminished. The same holds true for me, and it is only by allowing myself to be flexible during the stormy parts of my life that I will survive. It's also important to remember that all storms eventually come to an end, and the sun will shine again someday............

.........I can't wait for the sun.
Big thank you to ALL my fans!!

March 30th
Don't even know where to start.............

.........[Sighs]. My body and soul aches.

I haven't been able to write because the only computer I have accessible is "You-Know-Who's", and although I've been told she doesn't read my diary, she likes to read "Over my shoulder". As I write this at the apartment, I am reminded that I am moving.

Yup. Come tomorrow I'm picking up the keys to my new place.

[Shakes his head] Not impressed in the slightest. I'm going back to where I started before, and so much has changed....

-The building has been sold to another "Company"
-The new company has increased the rent by $40.

Gotta go.

April 2nd
There has been absolutely no possible way to write until now. I have been getting things ready to move, and had no access to a computer.

One thing about my bestie, Diane, is that when anything needs to be done, you can always count on her! Many people from all walks of life know this, as she dedicated herself and volunteers time and again for her children's school, the Royal Canadian Legion, cadets, CHAA, Airshows, Brownies, and especially her family and friends. Her ability to get things done quickly and efficiently come naturally, and combined with her motivation, it's a combination for consistent success! today was moving day for me, and Diane had pledged her help in the matter a few weeks ago. When the big day arrived she utilized her van and trailer, and had even conscripted three other helpers to ensure the move went flawless. Yup! I had Greg and the kidlets all pitching in, and they too are driven with the exact same work ethics. They make an exceptional team, and the entire move was accomplished much easier than I had anticipated. It's also true that I would not be where I am today without the love and assistance they have provided for me.Thank you, Greg and Diane for everything you both have done to help me change my life! This marks an exciting chapter in my life; for the first time in almost a decade I am the proud owner of an iguana. The benefits of my new place? I get to keep Hephestusamazilion!! As I type this at my computer desk (YaY!!) he is basking in his UVB light. (He's a bit stressed, but can you blame him?) I'm getting back to writing again, and I'm going to focus on my success. There's lots of work to do, and I can't wait to paint, sculpt, write, and sew.
Thanks again to the Lawrence clan! It was a day of hard work, some stress, some tears, as well as, the excitement of getting my studio set back up

I cannot begin to count the amount of times I've experienced Deja Vous in the last week. Everything is familiar, from the bike trails to the house, as well as, the entire neighbourhood of people I know. Even the damned little Cardinal is out singing in the sun hoping to attract a mate, like he didn't miss a beat while I was gone (Nature's alarm clock) In fact, I'm sitting at my computer desk in the exact same spot, in the exact same room as when I first got here.
A few things have changed in the house, most specifically, two of the trouble-makers I had issues with before are gone. So that's good.... And the new owners have replaced the old flooring and installed marble counter-tops. It all looks and functions well. I've met one roommate already, and he seems super friendly, and is quite helpful. So far so good!

I cleaned yesterday, scrubbing every square inch of my room down well. I hauled out five pails of dirty water as I scoured the walls and doors with soapy bleach water. Today I tackled the kitchen cupboards and a couple walls. I'll slowly get this house up to my standards, but for now I'm focusing on setting up my new studio...

....It's not a bedroom. I live in the studio now, and it has an iguana in it. Very cool. I can't wait to set it all up and wire it with a couple cameras to shoot video.

Time to get back to being me, with no one to judge what I do.

I'm going to go. It's late, and I'm quite bushed. Lots to do tomorrow too..... Have a good one.



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